Okey dokey, time to blog again.
Hmmmm, let's see... where was i?
Well life was looking pretty bleak a few weeks ago.. I was stressing about the party and it was getting me down.. Money is a HEADFUCK.
Anyhow.. Since then, my lovely fiance passed his final exam!!! Yes, this means that he is now a fully qualified electrician. This means that we can start actually planning our future!
So R was talking to a friend who works in a mine, (not G) and the electricians at his mine are on about $330,000 per year!!! WTF? That's amazing. It is a lot of work, 4 weeks on, 1 week off.. but even if he just did that for 6 months and then backed back to 2 weeks on, 1 week off, we'd have paid off all our fines and be living it up! Very exciting times, just wish we were there right now! R has to quit weed for 3 months first, so i guess we're stuck here until then..
The engagement party is a major headfuck.. but it is kind of sorted now.. R's Dad is getting the meat and C is bringing us some over too as our present. i'll be doing most of the salads but enlisting the help of family members to do some as well. D is coming round on Friday to help me so i think we should be alright! Still, it's pretty stressful!
And that's about all I have to say for now.. Doing stock take at work so I'd better get back into it!!
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
yesterday.
All day I couldn't concentrate, this is nothing new for me but I also had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach because I had my psych assessment in the afternoon and i was petrified. Got there far too early so went for a walk to the park at the end of the road but couldn't sit there doing nothing because I never can. Went in and waiting ages which only made me more nervous.
Got in, he asked all the usual questions, wrote crap down, and then basically told me that whilst medication would help me, he wouldn't put me on it because almost no doctors in Victoria will medicate people over the age of 13. He told me he'd write a referral and I could try private clinics with adult ADHD specialists but I'd be better off waiting until I get to WA.. So I said thanks for nothing and walked out feeling like the last 6 months were a gigantic waste of my time.
Got in, he asked all the usual questions, wrote crap down, and then basically told me that whilst medication would help me, he wouldn't put me on it because almost no doctors in Victoria will medicate people over the age of 13. He told me he'd write a referral and I could try private clinics with adult ADHD specialists but I'd be better off waiting until I get to WA.. So I said thanks for nothing and walked out feeling like the last 6 months were a gigantic waste of my time.
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
29.11.11
After all the stress of the months leading up to my psych assessment, they freaking cancelled on me! Two hours before it was due to start no less. I had taken the day off because it is a pretty big deal for me, i took it off unpaid because i'd had so many other days off due to appointments and various things.. So i was understandably upset when i got the call. Needless to say i completely over reacted and was fairly rude so i'm a little apprehensive about going back. To make matters worse, it was their fault that it had to be cancelled.. Originally i was booked in for a late morning appointment but they cancelled that a few days prior to the day, i asked if i could get in on the same day with a different doctor, to which they said yes, and booked for late afternoon. Apparently they need a longer appointment than what they'd booked in, but i was adamant that the doctor should stay back and commit to the appointment anyway. *sigh*
Anyway, i had to suck it up and deal with it.. Now booked for next Tuesday.
I'm mentally drained right now.. work is stressful on top of all of this, and so is life in general.
Anyway, i had to suck it up and deal with it.. Now booked for next Tuesday.
I'm mentally drained right now.. work is stressful on top of all of this, and so is life in general.
Saturday, 19 November 2011
19.11.11
It is REALLY frustrating that i cannot do one thing at a time.. Like right now, i've tried to sit down and have a Big Bang Theory marathon but i couldn't JUST do that.. Firstly i started cleaning, then i played with my phone, then did some more cleaning, then the phone, then straightened my hair, then thought about food despite not being hungry, then put on a load of washing, then jumped on the computer and now here i am, writing this, attempting to watch TV and over the top of this, i keep clicking buttons on my phone and then realising what i'm doing.. FUCK. It annoys me so much. Then comes the part where i cannot sit still without fidgeting.. even my GP commented on it at my appointment recently. She said, "Why do you think you have ADHD? Besides the fact that you haven't stopped moving since you got in here.." She was great by the way, it's amazing the difference a good doctor has on your experience.. She talked me through the process of being assessed by a psych registrar and then leading onto another assessment by a different psychiatrist, and what would happen if i got diagnosed.. I mean, she didn't really tell me anything knew, except that it's really really hard to get a diagnosis of Adult ADHD because of the drugs being "speed", her words. Anyhow, i have my assessment on Friday, extremely nervous, it's taken me 10 years to get to where i am, and finally i might have an answer and a solution! But it's also a huge relief.. well it will be when i hear what i want to hear, i think i'm mostly scared that they'll say that i'm faking it.. I know that i'm not, i've been researching this for coming up 3 years, and there's nothing else that quite fits my symptoms.
Anyway. Tonight i don't plan on doing much.. It's raining and i have no motivation to do much more than a couple of loads of washing. Today we went on a bit of a spending spree and i bought a new bag.. my first ever real bag, makes me feel like i'm growing up.. it's about time, i'm almost 25! Also bought a wireless keyboard and mouse for when i plug the laptop into the tv, and a couple of blu ray movies.. I'll probably never watch them, but i like to own them :P
Anyway. Tonight i don't plan on doing much.. It's raining and i have no motivation to do much more than a couple of loads of washing. Today we went on a bit of a spending spree and i bought a new bag.. my first ever real bag, makes me feel like i'm growing up.. it's about time, i'm almost 25! Also bought a wireless keyboard and mouse for when i plug the laptop into the tv, and a couple of blu ray movies.. I'll probably never watch them, but i like to own them :P
Thursday, 17 November 2011
17.11.11
I promised a blog entry tonight but unfortunately R is really really sick so i'm going to have to postpone.. Didn't get a single thing done on my list tonight except for "drink beer", and even then i had to be careful in case i had to rush R to the hospital.
Talk soon <3
Talk soon <3
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
08.11.11
Wow, November already? Time is flying!
Our engagement party was on the weekend.. I can safely say that i was totally unprepared and disorganised.. I also spent most of the evening in a state of utter stress. I did enjoy myself but not half as much as i expected to.. i guess it's hard when you're the host because you need to worry about everyone having a good time and everything running smoothly.. R started drinking at 9am and didn't stop.. He drank at least a slab plus shots so i didn't really have his help. I wanted to serve finger food until about 8:30pm to give time for people to get there, and then serve the meat and salads. Unfortunately it didn't work out that way, but whatever, it's over now and everyone seemed to have enjoyed themselves and that's the main thing. We also have a fuck load of meat leftover that will definitely require people to come over to help us eat. :P
Today i had my 6th appointment with my psychologist, we shall call her C. This means that we had to review how i was going and plan the next steps. I now have a GP appointment on the 16th which is necessary to continue getting the cheap sessions with C, I then have a psychiatrist appointment on the 25th to assess me and give me a diagnosis, and then i have another appointment with C on the 6th of December. So many appointments BUT at least the GP and psychiatrist are free, and the appointments with C are only $35 after my medicare rebate. C tried to tell me that they don't diagnose ADHD in adults but since i know several people that have been, i find that very hard to believe.. She is a psychologist and not a psychiatrist so i imagine she just doesn't have much information on the subject since it's a condition that can't be treated through simply talking. Anyhow, i wish that i could have got appointments sooner but that's just the way it is. I didn't have a lot to tell her today but i have been keeping a diary of my behaviours that have annoyed me so i gave her a copy of that, hopefully it helps with her letter to the shrink.
Now back to everyday life, my house is still a pigsty and i CBF doing much about it.. Done 3 loads of washing and 2 loads of dishes.. The rest can wait.
I like comments by the way.
Just saying. ;)
Our engagement party was on the weekend.. I can safely say that i was totally unprepared and disorganised.. I also spent most of the evening in a state of utter stress. I did enjoy myself but not half as much as i expected to.. i guess it's hard when you're the host because you need to worry about everyone having a good time and everything running smoothly.. R started drinking at 9am and didn't stop.. He drank at least a slab plus shots so i didn't really have his help. I wanted to serve finger food until about 8:30pm to give time for people to get there, and then serve the meat and salads. Unfortunately it didn't work out that way, but whatever, it's over now and everyone seemed to have enjoyed themselves and that's the main thing. We also have a fuck load of meat leftover that will definitely require people to come over to help us eat. :P
Today i had my 6th appointment with my psychologist, we shall call her C. This means that we had to review how i was going and plan the next steps. I now have a GP appointment on the 16th which is necessary to continue getting the cheap sessions with C, I then have a psychiatrist appointment on the 25th to assess me and give me a diagnosis, and then i have another appointment with C on the 6th of December. So many appointments BUT at least the GP and psychiatrist are free, and the appointments with C are only $35 after my medicare rebate. C tried to tell me that they don't diagnose ADHD in adults but since i know several people that have been, i find that very hard to believe.. She is a psychologist and not a psychiatrist so i imagine she just doesn't have much information on the subject since it's a condition that can't be treated through simply talking. Anyhow, i wish that i could have got appointments sooner but that's just the way it is. I didn't have a lot to tell her today but i have been keeping a diary of my behaviours that have annoyed me so i gave her a copy of that, hopefully it helps with her letter to the shrink.
Now back to everyday life, my house is still a pigsty and i CBF doing much about it.. Done 3 loads of washing and 2 loads of dishes.. The rest can wait.
I like comments by the way.
Just saying. ;)
Thursday, 27 October 2011
Tuesday, 18 October 2011
Monday, 17 October 2011
Sunday, 16 October 2011
16.10.11
Do you ever want to just die?
I have had this thought many times before but not for at least a year.. I would never do it, but the thought is strangely implanted in me and it doesn't scare me anymore.
When you're in debt as much as we are, life seems so hopeless sometimes.
R and J make me happy though, I need hugs.
I have had this thought many times before but not for at least a year.. I would never do it, but the thought is strangely implanted in me and it doesn't scare me anymore.
When you're in debt as much as we are, life seems so hopeless sometimes.
R and J make me happy though, I need hugs.
Friday, 14 October 2011
14.10.11
I am totally frustrated right now and i can't explain it.
Basically i know my issues, i've known for many many years, but i'm not willing to share them completely with my doctor, and i hate others trying to out do me on it when i was the one who expressed my concerns on it in the first place. And i hate when people question me on it, I think I know myself more than them. I don't think that makes sense, but i am quite tipsy. But anyway, it annoys me. Why am i any less? I think this is just part of the condition, I think way too much about what others think of me. Even when I'm driving I wonder what the people around me think of my driving. I hate when I change lanes because I think it's the fastest route and then my original lane goes quicker, I feel like everyone is laughing at me for making a poor choice. I think way too much and into things. Ugh.
I want to get wasted but we are saving money.
I don't feel stable without it.
Basically i know my issues, i've known for many many years, but i'm not willing to share them completely with my doctor, and i hate others trying to out do me on it when i was the one who expressed my concerns on it in the first place. And i hate when people question me on it, I think I know myself more than them. I don't think that makes sense, but i am quite tipsy. But anyway, it annoys me. Why am i any less? I think this is just part of the condition, I think way too much about what others think of me. Even when I'm driving I wonder what the people around me think of my driving. I hate when I change lanes because I think it's the fastest route and then my original lane goes quicker, I feel like everyone is laughing at me for making a poor choice. I think way too much and into things. Ugh.
I want to get wasted but we are saving money.
I don't feel stable without it.
Sunday, 9 October 2011
09.10.11
Don't you find it really really annoying when you're wide awake but it's getting late and you want to be sleepy but your partner is snoring really really loud next to you??! I get so angry and yell at him and kick him but I suppose that it's not really his fault.
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
04.10.11
I took a day off today because i had an appointment with my psych at 1pm.
Woke up at about 9am, lazed about but got up and had a shower and washed my hair soon after. Was almost late, as per usual. Felt like my session was pretty average. She thought i'd improved because i hadn't had a psychotic outburst in a month, but i don't feel like that at all. I feel totally unorganised and messy and dirty and horrible right now. She thinks that because i handled ONE moment that could have turned bad, that i can handle them all, but what she doesn't understand is that I'M NOT HANDLING IT. I'm not handling much at the moment. My house is a pigsty, i feel like my managers are doubting my ability, i keep talking too much, i say stupid things, i can't get anything done, i don't finish anything that i start, i'm always late, i'm always letting everyone around me down, i haven't even done my engagement invitations and it's in 1 month and 1 day. i am so annoyed at myself.
She keeps telling me she'll get my evaluated by a psychiatrist but now she tells me i have to wait for my 6th session which is the next one, not happening until after the party.. so for now i just have to keep writing in my stupid diary and try to control myself. i have to learn to be "mindful" so that i can control my actions BUT THAT DOESN'T WORK. i'm actually totally frustrated after todays session, she makes me angry sometimes and i haven't learnt anything!!!
Gah.
Fuck the world right now.
Woke up at about 9am, lazed about but got up and had a shower and washed my hair soon after. Was almost late, as per usual. Felt like my session was pretty average. She thought i'd improved because i hadn't had a psychotic outburst in a month, but i don't feel like that at all. I feel totally unorganised and messy and dirty and horrible right now. She thinks that because i handled ONE moment that could have turned bad, that i can handle them all, but what she doesn't understand is that I'M NOT HANDLING IT. I'm not handling much at the moment. My house is a pigsty, i feel like my managers are doubting my ability, i keep talking too much, i say stupid things, i can't get anything done, i don't finish anything that i start, i'm always late, i'm always letting everyone around me down, i haven't even done my engagement invitations and it's in 1 month and 1 day. i am so annoyed at myself.
She keeps telling me she'll get my evaluated by a psychiatrist but now she tells me i have to wait for my 6th session which is the next one, not happening until after the party.. so for now i just have to keep writing in my stupid diary and try to control myself. i have to learn to be "mindful" so that i can control my actions BUT THAT DOESN'T WORK. i'm actually totally frustrated after todays session, she makes me angry sometimes and i haven't learnt anything!!!
Gah.
Fuck the world right now.
Thursday, 29 September 2011
food diary cont.
Water: 5 Glasses - 1750ml
Breakfast:
1 x Up & Go - Banana - 3p
Morning Tea:
13 x Crackers - 1.5p
1 X Ski Double Up - Mixed Berry - 3.5p
Lunch:
1 x Prawn Salad - 4p
Dinner:
4 x Slices Thin Crust Pepperoni Pizza - 8p
2 x Low Carb Beers - 3p
2 Whiskey & Cokes - 5p
= 28p
Breakfast:
1 x Up & Go - Banana - 3p
Morning Tea:
13 x Crackers - 1.5p
1 X Ski Double Up - Mixed Berry - 3.5p
Lunch:
1 x Prawn Salad - 4p
Dinner:
4 x Slices Thin Crust Pepperoni Pizza - 8p
2 x Low Carb Beers - 3p
2 Whiskey & Cokes - 5p
= 28p
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
how to claculate your points.
male - 8 pts
female - 2 pts
age:
17-26 - 4 pts
27-37 - 3 pts
38-47 - 2 pts
48-58 - 1 pt
over 58 - 0 pts
use the first 2 digits of your weight - for example - if you weigh 175 then use 17 pts
if you spend most of your day:
sitting down - 0 pts
occasionaly sitting but mostly standing - 1 pt
walking most of the time - 2 pts
doing physical work most of the time - 3 pts
add all your numbers up and you get your daily points allowance! :)
you also get an additional 35 points to use through out the week however you want - you can use them all at once or spread them out over the week :)
BUT this would mean that i get 20 points per day and if i spread out the additional 35 points over the week, i get 25 per day.. in short, i'm sticking to my 21 points per day and if i go over, then i do, but i'll make sure now to go over the 20 points per day by 35 points in total per week.
And for yesterday:
Tuesday 27th September
Water: 5 Glasses 1750ml
Breakfast:
1 x Fried Egg - 2p
1 x Glass of Orange Juice - 1p
Morning Tea:
1 x Ski Double Up - Muesli - 3.7p
13 x Seaweed Crackers - 1.5p
Lunch:
1 x Frozen Meal - 5.5
Dinner:
1 x Prawn Salad w/ Dressing - 4p
4 x Low-Carb Beers - 6p
Supper:
2 x White Toast w/ Olive Butter - 4p
= 27.7p
female - 2 pts
age:
17-26 - 4 pts
27-37 - 3 pts
38-47 - 2 pts
48-58 - 1 pt
over 58 - 0 pts
use the first 2 digits of your weight - for example - if you weigh 175 then use 17 pts
if you spend most of your day:
sitting down - 0 pts
occasionaly sitting but mostly standing - 1 pt
walking most of the time - 2 pts
doing physical work most of the time - 3 pts
add all your numbers up and you get your daily points allowance! :)
you also get an additional 35 points to use through out the week however you want - you can use them all at once or spread them out over the week :)
BUT this would mean that i get 20 points per day and if i spread out the additional 35 points over the week, i get 25 per day.. in short, i'm sticking to my 21 points per day and if i go over, then i do, but i'll make sure now to go over the 20 points per day by 35 points in total per week.
And for yesterday:
Tuesday 27th September
Water: 5 Glasses 1750ml
Breakfast:
1 x Fried Egg - 2p
1 x Glass of Orange Juice - 1p
Morning Tea:
1 x Ski Double Up - Muesli - 3.7p
13 x Seaweed Crackers - 1.5p
Lunch:
1 x Frozen Meal - 5.5
Dinner:
1 x Prawn Salad w/ Dressing - 4p
4 x Low-Carb Beers - 6p
Supper:
2 x White Toast w/ Olive Butter - 4p
= 27.7p
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
engagement dress?
Haven't ditched the idea of wearing a pin up 50's style dress to my engagement but i saw this and fell in love.. any thoughts?
Monday, 26 September 2011
Dinner.
Prawn, lettuce, onion, olive and mushroom salad with Japanese lemon and wasabi mayo, delicious and approx 2.5-4 points.. Not too sure how many points the mayo added.
26.09.11
I'm kind of starting the weight watchers diet thingyo.. Might try the attack phase of the duken diet eventually too.. Would like to loose some weight before the engagement. So here goes, p stands for points.
Breakfast:
1 x Ski Double Up - Mixed Berries - 3.5p
Morning Tea:
6 x Crackers with Cream Cheese and Salmon - 2.5p
1 x 500ml Can of Monster - 3.5p
Lunch:
1 x Frozen Meal - 6p
Afternoon Tea:
13 x Seaweed Crackers - 1.5p
Dinner:
10 x King Prawns w/ Salad - 2.5p
= 19.5
My aim is 21p per day.. So now let's ruin it with a few beers at 5p each :P
edit: beers are only 1.5-2p!
Breakfast:
1 x Ski Double Up - Mixed Berries - 3.5p
Morning Tea:
6 x Crackers with Cream Cheese and Salmon - 2.5p
1 x 500ml Can of Monster - 3.5p
Lunch:
1 x Frozen Meal - 6p
Afternoon Tea:
13 x Seaweed Crackers - 1.5p
Dinner:
10 x King Prawns w/ Salad - 2.5p
= 19.5
My aim is 21p per day.. So now let's ruin it with a few beers at 5p each :P
edit: beers are only 1.5-2p!
Thursday, 22 September 2011
22.09.11
Thursday. I woke up this morning thinking today was Friday.. unfortunately i've still got one more morning to wake up sleepy and hit the snooze button 10 times over. I find that once you get out of bed and into the shower, the worst part of the day is over, so technically i count that as a day over.. Of course sometimes then the day drags really bad, especially on a Friday.
Very much looking forward to this weekend..
Friday night our friend D is coming over for a few drinks and catch ups, not having a big one, that's for sure.
Saturday morning i plan to get up early and do lots of loads of washing :P
R wants to do a cashie so hopefully he does that and i've got a special dog thingy on in the afternoon. For those who don't know, the Victorian government have passed stupid laws that basically state that if your dog looks like a "Pitbull" then it is a "Pitbull" and if you don't have it registered as such after the 30th of September, they can seize your dog and put it down. I've been campaigning online against these laws as i have an unpapered American Staffy who probably does have Pitbull bloodlines (they're essentially the same breed, just different bloodlines), so i'm at a high risk of having my baby put down.. and you guys know how much my boy means to me!! So anyhow, it would seem that my hardwork has paid off, i got an invite to a private meeting set up by the Victorian American Staffordshire Club and the National Dog Trainers Association.. places were limited and i've got a spot! They've got a lawyer talking who has big history of dog legislation so his insight will be amazing! And i can then go forth with this information and educate others. Really looking forward to this, but totally freaking out because i'm not used to facing things on my own.. R can't come with me because he's working and also because there was only limited places, i was just lucky to have been noticed to have been offered a place. Don't know if it will save my dog, but hopefully we can work together to get these laws over turned!!
All of this dog stuff has been stressing me out like a mother fucker.. I've had to take a few steps back until i can face it on the weekend.. work's also been shit.. i feel like i'm not coping right now and i just want to see my doctor. i have to keep a CBT diary but i'm slack.
Going to sleep now, don't want to face things.
Fuck life, fuck it all.
Fuck life, fuck it all.
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
21.09.11
I find it amazing how quickly things can fall apart right in front of you, all it takes is one small weakness and the entire structure collapses in the blink of an eye. Too much time and energy is wasted on blaming others and only causes more pain. The path to happiness begins with collecting the pieces that are still intact and building something even better.
Monday, 12 September 2011
12.09.11
I like comments.
Give me attention!
BEEEEEEEEEEP!!! BEEP!
I'm in a very attention seeking mood and it's only being made worse by the fact that NO ONE IS ONLINE ENTERTAINING ME!1`12q1iwu
Give me attention!
BEEEEEEEEEEP!!! BEEP!
I'm in a very attention seeking mood and it's only being made worse by the fact that NO ONE IS ONLINE ENTERTAINING ME!1`12q1iwu
Sunday, 11 September 2011
11.09.11
I think i finally have to come to terms with the fact that i need to wear my glasses much more often than i do.. When watching TV, using the laptop, driving.. perhaps just all the time. I love them dearly but they're uncomfortable when lying down on the couch or something. BLEH.
Rewind back to my last blog entry, i had had my psychologist appointment but hadn't explained anything. Arrived late, as always (me NOT being late is rare), went in and told her about the big incident, although after we got talking, it became obvious that that incident was just as bad as all the other incidents, it's just that the cops got called which escalated things. She told me she was worried and i'd have to start a CBT diary and that because i didn't do it last time, i'd have to wait to be booked in for a psychiatric assessment but that it would probably be necessary. CBT stands for "cognitive behaviour therapy" and it basically means that you have to try and remember the thoughts you think before you express an emotion, in my case, anger and anxiety. The anxiety i can do, i get that tightness in my chest and pressure in my head a lot, i can usually remember my actions and thoughts and control myself whilst in this state, but the anger, that's a whole different ball game. As hard as it is to imagine (even i have no idea how it's possible), i completely blank out large chunks of what's happened when i get angry, there's no way i can remember my leading-up-to-outburst thoughts! If i could, it would be easier to control it, but there's very few times that i get very angry and live to remember the details. I remember flashbacks and the moment i snap back to reality, but i often wear myself out, fall asleep and wake up and not even remember what the argument was about, so this task is going to be next to impossible. I've at least tried though, put in a few entries, road rage, anxiety, a small burst of anger, nothing extraordinary though, nothing that is worrying.. so i don't know if this is going to help, BUT she wants me to do it, so i'd better.
After my appointment i went to visit my friend T, she was staying in the city for work training. Met up with a few of the guys from GC too (previous employment) and we ate wedges and bread w/ dips. Pretty average but the company was great, loved catching up with everyone and hopefully cheering T up a bit. :)
Went to drive home and realised i didn't have enough cash in my wallet for parking, it was $18!! I went up to the car because i knew there was some change in there, i was only $1.50 short. Drove down to the pay station, put the money in and realised it was asking for an extra $10!!! WHAT THE HELL? I must have just ticked over to the next hour, RIDICULOUS. Anyhow, it said it accepted bankcard, it didn't.. i started freaking out. Called R and told him i didn't know what to do. ANXIETY RISING. He tells me to find an ATM, i tell him there isn't one nearby, that's almost true, the carpark was pretty far from the hotel, and i was now crying and unreasonable and didn't want to bump into my friends in that state. R then suggested i get into a taxi and get them to drive me to an ATM, but that would have made me worse! By now i'm panicing pretty hard, something i'm pretty good at doing is avoiding situations where things like this can happen, i almost cancelled on T because i don't want things like this happening and it's easier just to avoid than to risk it! But i didn't because deep down i know that i have to grow up and be independent at some point.. R is usually with me if we're doing something outside the norm and i've definitely become far too comfortable with that.. i feel odd and nervous doing something without him being there to save me when things go wrong. BAD BAD BAD, i love him dearly for it but i know he won't always be there when i need him.
The rest of the week went pretty smoothly, no anger outbursts AND i'm loosing weight. loveeeeeely :)
This weekend was filled with cleaning and movies and lots of beer with R, it was nice to have a quiet anti social weekend for once, and i'm sure i'll feel better through the week for it.
Next appointment is the 27th of September, lets see if i can avoid any incidents between now and then.
Also, buying R a GoPro camera for his birthday i think.. failing that a Huffy Slider or a proper slot car thingy.. he wants all 3, so i'll just have to see what i can afford. Thankfully he can't read this :P
Slaters bitches. <3
Rewind back to my last blog entry, i had had my psychologist appointment but hadn't explained anything. Arrived late, as always (me NOT being late is rare), went in and told her about the big incident, although after we got talking, it became obvious that that incident was just as bad as all the other incidents, it's just that the cops got called which escalated things. She told me she was worried and i'd have to start a CBT diary and that because i didn't do it last time, i'd have to wait to be booked in for a psychiatric assessment but that it would probably be necessary. CBT stands for "cognitive behaviour therapy" and it basically means that you have to try and remember the thoughts you think before you express an emotion, in my case, anger and anxiety. The anxiety i can do, i get that tightness in my chest and pressure in my head a lot, i can usually remember my actions and thoughts and control myself whilst in this state, but the anger, that's a whole different ball game. As hard as it is to imagine (even i have no idea how it's possible), i completely blank out large chunks of what's happened when i get angry, there's no way i can remember my leading-up-to-outburst thoughts! If i could, it would be easier to control it, but there's very few times that i get very angry and live to remember the details. I remember flashbacks and the moment i snap back to reality, but i often wear myself out, fall asleep and wake up and not even remember what the argument was about, so this task is going to be next to impossible. I've at least tried though, put in a few entries, road rage, anxiety, a small burst of anger, nothing extraordinary though, nothing that is worrying.. so i don't know if this is going to help, BUT she wants me to do it, so i'd better.
After my appointment i went to visit my friend T, she was staying in the city for work training. Met up with a few of the guys from GC too (previous employment) and we ate wedges and bread w/ dips. Pretty average but the company was great, loved catching up with everyone and hopefully cheering T up a bit. :)
Went to drive home and realised i didn't have enough cash in my wallet for parking, it was $18!! I went up to the car because i knew there was some change in there, i was only $1.50 short. Drove down to the pay station, put the money in and realised it was asking for an extra $10!!! WHAT THE HELL? I must have just ticked over to the next hour, RIDICULOUS. Anyhow, it said it accepted bankcard, it didn't.. i started freaking out. Called R and told him i didn't know what to do. ANXIETY RISING. He tells me to find an ATM, i tell him there isn't one nearby, that's almost true, the carpark was pretty far from the hotel, and i was now crying and unreasonable and didn't want to bump into my friends in that state. R then suggested i get into a taxi and get them to drive me to an ATM, but that would have made me worse! By now i'm panicing pretty hard, something i'm pretty good at doing is avoiding situations where things like this can happen, i almost cancelled on T because i don't want things like this happening and it's easier just to avoid than to risk it! But i didn't because deep down i know that i have to grow up and be independent at some point.. R is usually with me if we're doing something outside the norm and i've definitely become far too comfortable with that.. i feel odd and nervous doing something without him being there to save me when things go wrong. BAD BAD BAD, i love him dearly for it but i know he won't always be there when i need him.
The rest of the week went pretty smoothly, no anger outbursts AND i'm loosing weight. loveeeeeely :)
This weekend was filled with cleaning and movies and lots of beer with R, it was nice to have a quiet anti social weekend for once, and i'm sure i'll feel better through the week for it.
Next appointment is the 27th of September, lets see if i can avoid any incidents between now and then.
Also, buying R a GoPro camera for his birthday i think.. failing that a Huffy Slider or a proper slot car thingy.. he wants all 3, so i'll just have to see what i can afford. Thankfully he can't read this :P
Slaters bitches. <3
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
07.09.11
God damn I bruise easily, just knocked my leg on a corner of my bed, walked into the hallway to get something, turned on the light and there was already a purply lump on my leg :(
Today wasn't great, I'll explain tomorrow, I'm actually exhausted right now.
Goodnight.
Today wasn't great, I'll explain tomorrow, I'm actually exhausted right now.
Goodnight.
11:45am 07.09.11
I have a gigantic pimple sore thingy on my chin, it sucks!
Going to see my psychologist again today, first time since the incident so i'm totally freaking out about telling her.
Didn't go to work because i have a cold and i used that to disguise my anxiety about my appointment. :(
Going to visit a friend afterwards for bread and dip and catch ups :)
Going to see my psychologist again today, first time since the incident so i'm totally freaking out about telling her.
Didn't go to work because i have a cold and i used that to disguise my anxiety about my appointment. :(
Going to visit a friend afterwards for bread and dip and catch ups :)
Friday, 2 September 2011
29.08.11 - revisited
Well, well, well.
Friday night i did a terrible thing, and i can barely remember any of it.
I got home from work, relaxed on the couch with a few beers, one of R's friends was coming over so i asked him if we could go to feed my sisters cat and get some dinner once he got there, he agreed. Friend got here, they went out the back, i flipped out because they took too long. To be honest, my memory of the events went like this: 2 seconds of R and Friend at the door, me yelling something, no idea what, then i was in the hallway and 2 police officers were coming towards me while i told them to fuck off. Then it's all just very scattered flashes of me screaming at them and then patting J to calm me down. They told me there was an ambulance coming for me and then when it didnt come, they called for 2 more cops with a divi van to come and take me.. in the end they let R take me. Hospital said they didn't have to admit me if R thought he could look after me.. I had calmed down a bit by now but for some reason i got upset again and started kicking the roof and somehow R stopped and got out of the car and started driving really fast towards parked cars and slamming my breaks on just in time. At some point during this R punched my windscreen and it's now got two massive spiderweb like cracks in it.. Both our phones went flat but i saw our friend C pull up to help us, i drove to my sisters because i still had to feed her cat and i needed to go somewhere to calm down. I got there, fed the cat, sat down, and snapped back to reality. I put my phone on charge and R called, he came around and we spent the day talking. Turns out i have been throwing these fits for our entire relationship BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER THEM?? How is that possible? How can my mind completely blank out large chunks of my memory?
Anyway, i was meant to see my psychologist this week but i got my appointment day mixed up so i've rescheduled for next Wednesday. R was going to come with me but i don't think he can now and i'm scared to tell her.. but i guess it only backs up my need to be assessed by a psychiatrist. I just want this all to be over.
Friday night i did a terrible thing, and i can barely remember any of it.
I got home from work, relaxed on the couch with a few beers, one of R's friends was coming over so i asked him if we could go to feed my sisters cat and get some dinner once he got there, he agreed. Friend got here, they went out the back, i flipped out because they took too long. To be honest, my memory of the events went like this: 2 seconds of R and Friend at the door, me yelling something, no idea what, then i was in the hallway and 2 police officers were coming towards me while i told them to fuck off. Then it's all just very scattered flashes of me screaming at them and then patting J to calm me down. They told me there was an ambulance coming for me and then when it didnt come, they called for 2 more cops with a divi van to come and take me.. in the end they let R take me. Hospital said they didn't have to admit me if R thought he could look after me.. I had calmed down a bit by now but for some reason i got upset again and started kicking the roof and somehow R stopped and got out of the car and started driving really fast towards parked cars and slamming my breaks on just in time. At some point during this R punched my windscreen and it's now got two massive spiderweb like cracks in it.. Both our phones went flat but i saw our friend C pull up to help us, i drove to my sisters because i still had to feed her cat and i needed to go somewhere to calm down. I got there, fed the cat, sat down, and snapped back to reality. I put my phone on charge and R called, he came around and we spent the day talking. Turns out i have been throwing these fits for our entire relationship BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER THEM?? How is that possible? How can my mind completely blank out large chunks of my memory?
Anyway, i was meant to see my psychologist this week but i got my appointment day mixed up so i've rescheduled for next Wednesday. R was going to come with me but i don't think he can now and i'm scared to tell her.. but i guess it only backs up my need to be assessed by a psychiatrist. I just want this all to be over.
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Tuesday, 23 August 2011
23.08.11
It's been a long time between posts, oops!
So what's happened?
Well work is busy busy busy.. i've been moved into the support team which is kind of a step up without the pay benefit. I took a day off today which i feel totally guilty about but in my defense, i've got a REALLY sore head :(
There's a big war going on between one of my friends groups and it's all simply doing my head in. I've stood back for the most part but now we're being dragged into it.. I really just WANT EVERYONE TO GET ALONG. And failing that, people who don't like each other, should just fuck off! Today i've told one of the parties that i want nothing to do with them.. Hopefully that's the end of it.
In other news, i just did R's tax and he gets back quite a bit! It's going to be a relief being able to pay off our TV/PS3, pay off a few people and be back on top. Add to that that R is going north to work for a month and we'll be able to save a lot of money! Hopefully we'll have enough for our engagement and our flights to the west. Just really want to escape this town right now, start fresh, get away from all the drama. I have enough issues without having to deal with everyone elses.
Speaking of which, my anger is still a huge issue. Doctor next week but don't know if we can afford it at this point. I get most of it back but i still have to pay it up front and i have to pay for my last session too.. Might have to postpone it until the week after? Don't know how much it's going to cost to be assessed, hopefully not too expensive. Being that it's through the same government program, i'd say it will be a big up front fee with a big rebate, fingers crossed.
Things have been great between R and i which is thankfully something positive in my life. We've also cut back on luxuries to buy things like clothes and shoes that we so desperately needed! Feels nice. :)
Cutting this short because my head is aching!!
So what's happened?
Well work is busy busy busy.. i've been moved into the support team which is kind of a step up without the pay benefit. I took a day off today which i feel totally guilty about but in my defense, i've got a REALLY sore head :(
There's a big war going on between one of my friends groups and it's all simply doing my head in. I've stood back for the most part but now we're being dragged into it.. I really just WANT EVERYONE TO GET ALONG. And failing that, people who don't like each other, should just fuck off! Today i've told one of the parties that i want nothing to do with them.. Hopefully that's the end of it.
In other news, i just did R's tax and he gets back quite a bit! It's going to be a relief being able to pay off our TV/PS3, pay off a few people and be back on top. Add to that that R is going north to work for a month and we'll be able to save a lot of money! Hopefully we'll have enough for our engagement and our flights to the west. Just really want to escape this town right now, start fresh, get away from all the drama. I have enough issues without having to deal with everyone elses.
Speaking of which, my anger is still a huge issue. Doctor next week but don't know if we can afford it at this point. I get most of it back but i still have to pay it up front and i have to pay for my last session too.. Might have to postpone it until the week after? Don't know how much it's going to cost to be assessed, hopefully not too expensive. Being that it's through the same government program, i'd say it will be a big up front fee with a big rebate, fingers crossed.
Things have been great between R and i which is thankfully something positive in my life. We've also cut back on luxuries to buy things like clothes and shoes that we so desperately needed! Feels nice. :)
Cutting this short because my head is aching!!
Tuesday, 16 August 2011
16.08.11
Things are totally fucked right now and it's messing with my head.. I'm not actually directly involved but i am stuck in the middle. I can't go into things on here but i just wish i could fix things.. UGH.
Look at this instead:
http://s-omethingborrowed-s-omethingblue.blogspot.com/2011/08/straws.html
Look at this instead:
http://s-omethingborrowed-s-omethingblue.blogspot.com/2011/08/straws.html
hectic.
Life is totally hectic right now.. There are not enough hours in the day. I want to blog/social network but I can't seem to find the time or the motivation to dedicate to it right now. Apologies, hopefully by the weekend things will be more settled.
Friday, 12 August 2011
le hole.
this weekend.
Things I would like to achieve this weekend:
- the dreaded clothes
- write our engagement invite list
- buy the paper for out engagement invites
- fix the window in the lounge room
- fix the hole in the spare room
- clean the carpets
- begin on the garden
- the dreaded clothes
- write our engagement invite list
- buy the paper for out engagement invites
- fix the window in the lounge room
- fix the hole in the spare room
- clean the carpets
- begin on the garden
Thursday, 11 August 2011
11.08.11
i find the majority of inspirational quotes to be lame and kind of chad (no offense), yet i love quoting song lyrics. I guess this makes me a complete hypocrite.
So tired, this is a nice feeling.
Goodnight. :)
So tired, this is a nice feeling.
Goodnight. :)
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
09.08.11
Gah i am SUCH a procrastinator, been meaning to write on this thing for days, and Sunday night isn't included because i'd originally wrote that for something else.
Rewind to the weekend.
Friday night we visited my sister B and her husband, also B, and their girls, H & F. My other sister K and her boyfriend T were there too. We had enchiladas and played with the girls before they went to bed, it was lovely. :)
Went home and found visitors in the house but i was ridiculously tired so i went to bed.
Actually, that reminds me.. The Thursday night before the weekend, R and i had a massive fight which ended in me smashing stuff in the spare room and smashing a huge hole in the wall.. This was at 3am. Oh, and i tried to drive away but R was behind the car with his heels dug into the ground pushing with all his strength against my car. He is a gem, he puts up with so much from me and my psychotic behaviour.. hopefully we can start to fix this soon.
Saturday morning i woke early, the rest of the household had had a big night so i tip toed around and did some housework and ended with making R bacon and eggs for breakfast. Started the big drive to the country to go to R's Dad's Wife's 60th birthday. Sooo the car spun out before we even left out shire, hahaha! Lucky it was in slow motion, R wasn't even driving like a maniac, but he did have different tyres put on the day before and he thinks they were put on wrong which is what caused the lack of grip. Another plus is that it happened slowly and R is a great driver! It poured with rain for the majority of the way so that also meant aquaplaning it down the highway. Scary!
Hung around at the party for many hours and then headed to one of R's friends house. Actually had a lovely time despite getting stuck on writing a cover letter and resume for someone.. i swear i spent 5-6 hours on this thing. It was marvelous! I love when i can focus my attention.
Which brings me to today.
I finally got my own desk and computer at work, although it's not the spot i'm going to be in permanently, it definitely was a big step up from having to sit behind people and listen in to their calls.. I set myself up with 3 different projects and worked on them for a small amount of time each, and then repeated. That's how i work, if i only have 1 thing to do i feel restless and useless and it leads me to being VERY bored and agitated.
I left early because i had a docor appointment at 4pm. Got there and waited and waited and waited. My psychologist, C, came out and told me that she was dealing with a crisis and if i could wait, i could see her afterwards. I didn't mind waiting, but it did make me more nervous. I'd picked today as the day to speak openly about what i thought was wrong with me.
I explained the anger outbursts and after about half an hour of talking, she asked what i thought was wrong with me and when i said, "ADD" she was virtually like, "Oh my god, how did i miss that? You have all the symptoms blah blah blah." Basically, i have to try the breathing exercises and if they don't work in 3 weeks time, i'll have to be booked for a psychiatric assessment for ADD. Good to know that all those years of her study and training and all the money i'm spending, i had to tell her what's wrong with me.
Oh well.
I'm actually tired right now, finally. Bed time :)
Rewind to the weekend.
Friday night we visited my sister B and her husband, also B, and their girls, H & F. My other sister K and her boyfriend T were there too. We had enchiladas and played with the girls before they went to bed, it was lovely. :)
Went home and found visitors in the house but i was ridiculously tired so i went to bed.
Actually, that reminds me.. The Thursday night before the weekend, R and i had a massive fight which ended in me smashing stuff in the spare room and smashing a huge hole in the wall.. This was at 3am. Oh, and i tried to drive away but R was behind the car with his heels dug into the ground pushing with all his strength against my car. He is a gem, he puts up with so much from me and my psychotic behaviour.. hopefully we can start to fix this soon.
Saturday morning i woke early, the rest of the household had had a big night so i tip toed around and did some housework and ended with making R bacon and eggs for breakfast. Started the big drive to the country to go to R's Dad's Wife's 60th birthday. Sooo the car spun out before we even left out shire, hahaha! Lucky it was in slow motion, R wasn't even driving like a maniac, but he did have different tyres put on the day before and he thinks they were put on wrong which is what caused the lack of grip. Another plus is that it happened slowly and R is a great driver! It poured with rain for the majority of the way so that also meant aquaplaning it down the highway. Scary!
Hung around at the party for many hours and then headed to one of R's friends house. Actually had a lovely time despite getting stuck on writing a cover letter and resume for someone.. i swear i spent 5-6 hours on this thing. It was marvelous! I love when i can focus my attention.
Which brings me to today.
I finally got my own desk and computer at work, although it's not the spot i'm going to be in permanently, it definitely was a big step up from having to sit behind people and listen in to their calls.. I set myself up with 3 different projects and worked on them for a small amount of time each, and then repeated. That's how i work, if i only have 1 thing to do i feel restless and useless and it leads me to being VERY bored and agitated.
I left early because i had a docor appointment at 4pm. Got there and waited and waited and waited. My psychologist, C, came out and told me that she was dealing with a crisis and if i could wait, i could see her afterwards. I didn't mind waiting, but it did make me more nervous. I'd picked today as the day to speak openly about what i thought was wrong with me.
I explained the anger outbursts and after about half an hour of talking, she asked what i thought was wrong with me and when i said, "ADD" she was virtually like, "Oh my god, how did i miss that? You have all the symptoms blah blah blah." Basically, i have to try the breathing exercises and if they don't work in 3 weeks time, i'll have to be booked for a psychiatric assessment for ADD. Good to know that all those years of her study and training and all the money i'm spending, i had to tell her what's wrong with me.
Oh well.
I'm actually tired right now, finally. Bed time :)
Sunday, 7 August 2011
I am far too drained to document the past few days so instead i will copy and paste something i wrote about a topic very close to my heart. The background to this post is that America Pit Bull Terriers are "restricted" in Australia, basically that means that you must desex them and it's illegal to breed/sell them. This is just a fancy term for a ban, once they die out, the breed is erraticated from the country, in theory of course. This has led to countless backyard breeding of "purebred APBT" and they're sold through FB groups or through dodgy advertising that alludes to the breed without disclosing it. From what i've seen, the majority of these pups are not purebreeds, they've clearly been selectively crossed with bigger breeds to try and attract more money. Buying a dog underground doesn't seem like the sort of thing many people would do unless they had ulterior motives for needing to own an APBT when the American Staffordshire Terrier is virtually the same breed, and is still LEGAL! I'm not inferring that they're being sold for use in dog fighting, that's a very rare practice in this country, but they're definitely being marketed for their BIG TOUGH appearance by the people who're selling them, which points to a more likely reason of people wanting them as a status symbol. By definition, the APBT is lighter than the AST, usually no more than 30-35kg, they're not as wide although just as strong, and often taller and have a higher agility level.. the dogs being sold as purebreed APBT are 60-70kg and often have bulldog bred through to give them bigger muscle size. How does one sell a dog as a purebreed when it's illegal to breed them? How do you provide papers to people paying up to $2000 a puppy? People are being ripped off for a mutt and the "breeders" are destroying a breed BASED ON THEIR OWN GREED. It makes me sick and well, here we go, here's ANOTHER rant, i posted this on the wall of a group used mostly for advertising litters for sale, it's only a matter of time before it's deleted:
Personally i think it's irresponsible to breed and sell "APBT" where you are all well aware that they are illegal and in some states can be seized and ultimately put down. Secondly, this leads to the problem of being able to PROVE that the dog you are selling them is of APBT line 100%.. This is very difficult to do if you're breeding a dog illegally. Thirdly, PERSONALLY in MY OPINION, AST and APBT are so similar that DNA testing cannot distinguish them from one another, they're also so mixed up and often "tainted" with other breeds due to the allowance of duel registration and backyard breeders faking parentage to sell pups at a higher price and to try and create bigger, stronger dogs that can be passed off as purebreeds. AST is RARE in the US, i don't think this is actually the case, more likely is that the APBT has the notoriety that a percentage of the people who own these dogs, want to associate themselves with, so they recognise their dog as a pitbull no matter what bloodlines they've come from. There is no denying that the APBT show lines vary from club to club, the ADBD standard is closer to what I perceive as an APBT, and the UKC and ABKC standards are definitely more AST looking.. All of this aside, they're all recognised as APBT and if they're accepting AST as APBT, what gives everyone the right to abuse someone else of doing it the opposite way?
This argument could go on for ever, everyone has their own opinions on what the truth behind all of this really is, but at the end of the day, fighting and abusing each other about it is going to do nothing for the breed/s.
PERSONALLY i believe that it is safer to identify both of these breeds as AST in Australia and fight to end BSL. I have no doubt in my mind that the government will (and is trying to) push for the official ban of the AST and they will get their own way eventually.
If you want to get technical, "APBT" AND "pitbull" are on the restricted dog list in Australia, and unless you can explain how this doesn't umbrella the AST onto the list, we're virtually on borrowed time until they start enforcing this wider restriction.
Before the abuse against me starts, i'd like to clarify that this is MY OPINON that i have formed ON MY OWN MERIT after hours upon hours of research. I do not breed dogs, i am not a dog expert, i am not a person who thinks an APBT is better than an AST, i am not a purebreed NAZI. I am just the owner of a lovely 5 year old "pitbull", i don't know his ancestory, i don't care if he's either or a mix, but I do know that i love him more than life itself and i would be absolutely heartbroken if anyone took him away from me.
What gets me the most is that all of these arguments are forgetting one small detail, behind the bickering are hundreds of thousands of babies wanting to be loved no matter who their great great great great great grandmother and grandfather were. THEY DON'T CARE ONE LITTLE BIT! They only care about YOU and ME and all they ask in return for their love, is for you to fight for their futures, rather than their bloodlines.
What is the point of constant bickering amongst the people who claim to love them the most, if there is no "them" to argue over anymore?
This argument could go on for ever, everyone has their own opinions on what the truth behind all of this really is, but at the end of the day, fighting and abusing each other about it is going to do nothing for the breed/s.
PERSONALLY i believe that it is safer to identify both of these breeds as AST in Australia and fight to end BSL. I have no doubt in my mind that the government will (and is trying to) push for the official ban of the AST and they will get their own way eventually.
If you want to get technical, "APBT" AND "pitbull" are on the restricted dog list in Australia, and unless you can explain how this doesn't umbrella the AST onto the list, we're virtually on borrowed time until they start enforcing this wider restriction.
Before the abuse against me starts, i'd like to clarify that this is MY OPINON that i have formed ON MY OWN MERIT after hours upon hours of research. I do not breed dogs, i am not a dog expert, i am not a person who thinks an APBT is better than an AST, i am not a purebreed NAZI. I am just the owner of a lovely 5 year old "pitbull", i don't know his ancestory, i don't care if he's either or a mix, but I do know that i love him more than life itself and i would be absolutely heartbroken if anyone took him away from me.
What gets me the most is that all of these arguments are forgetting one small detail, behind the bickering are hundreds of thousands of babies wanting to be loved no matter who their great great great great great grandmother and grandfather were. THEY DON'T CARE ONE LITTLE BIT! They only care about YOU and ME and all they ask in return for their love, is for you to fight for their futures, rather than their bloodlines.
What is the point of constant bickering amongst the people who claim to love them the most, if there is no "them" to argue over anymore?
Thursday, 4 August 2011
04.08.11
I need to see my doctor, as much as i pretend, i'm not in a good place.. Spending 4 days straight doing nothing of importance has fried my brain, ugh. So many times i've wanted to jump in and stop what the person i was "learning from" was doing but i held back.. i did jump in a few times and i didnt want to seem like a know it all but i fixed problems so that is that.. they were simple fixes TBH but people just didnt see it? Odd. And now i'm drunk and feel like shit.. Can't see my psych until Tuesday.. wish i could reschedule but i've just started a new job. UGH.
hearts a mess.
Pick apart
The pieces of your heart
And let me peer inside
Let me in
Where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind
As you do mine
You have lost
(Too much love)
To fear, doubt and distrust
(It’s not enough)
You just threw away the key
(To your heart)
You don’t get burned
(’Cause nothing gets through)
It makes it easier
(Easier on you)
But that much more difficult for me
To make you see…
Love ain’t fair
So there you are
My love
Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect
And you, you can’t live like this
Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect
And you, you can’t live like this
Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect
And you, you can’t live like this
Love ain’t safe
You won’t get hurt if you stay chaste
So you can wait
But I don’t wanna waste my love
The pieces of your heart
And let me peer inside
Let me in
Where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind
As you do mine
You have lost
(Too much love)
To fear, doubt and distrust
(It’s not enough)
You just threw away the key
(To your heart)
You don’t get burned
(’Cause nothing gets through)
It makes it easier
(Easier on you)
But that much more difficult for me
To make you see…
Love ain’t fair
So there you are
My love
Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect
And you, you can’t live like this
Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect
And you, you can’t live like this
Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect
And you, you can’t live like this
Love ain’t safe
You won’t get hurt if you stay chaste
So you can wait
But I don’t wanna waste my love
H & F.
I cannot express how much i love my little baby nieces, identical twins H & F, ages 8 months. They're effing adorable! They're the happiest babies i've ever met, and trust me, i've been around a LOT of babies. I don't understand how they're always so happy and content but i don't mind because i LOVE LOVE them :)
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
sleep.
Every night i get to about now and wish that i slept like a normal person instead of being awake until stupid hours and sleeping for 5 hours. That being said, i rarely get sleepy. Thankfully.
chicken korma.
The ingredients for the paste.
The paste.
Cooking.
The finished product. Probably one of the best meals i' ve ever cooked, quite delicious. :)
dogs.
i love all things to do with dogs.. providing the dogs are big muscley misunderstood breeds :P
saw this one today, LOVE IT, i love pit bulls (like my baby boy Jai) and anything to do with them. i could go on forever about them so i won't.
http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/doguebrasileiro.htm
saw this one today, LOVE IT, i love pit bulls (like my baby boy Jai) and anything to do with them. i could go on forever about them so i won't.
http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/doguebrasileiro.htm
me.
What are my disappointments?
Myself, my debt, my schooling, my lack of self control.
What are my stresses?
That we'll be in debt forever, that we'll never make it to WA, that we'll never be able to afford our wedding.
What are my self annoyances?
I get hyperactive, I can't concentrate/focus on one thing at a time, I always need to be doing something or else I feel frustrated, I rush around, I am a perfectionist, I have a short temper, I smash things when I get angry, I am possessive, I speak before I think, I am forgetful, i am always running late, I don't listen when people talk to me, and when I do, I forget what they've just said, I talk over people, I get over excited about things, I fidget, I procrastinate, I am messy but I love things to be clean, I am unreliable, I annoy people and don't take the hint to stop.
I could go on forever..
Myself, my debt, my schooling, my lack of self control.
What are my stresses?
That we'll be in debt forever, that we'll never make it to WA, that we'll never be able to afford our wedding.
What are my self annoyances?
I get hyperactive, I can't concentrate/focus on one thing at a time, I always need to be doing something or else I feel frustrated, I rush around, I am a perfectionist, I have a short temper, I smash things when I get angry, I am possessive, I speak before I think, I am forgetful, i am always running late, I don't listen when people talk to me, and when I do, I forget what they've just said, I talk over people, I get over excited about things, I fidget, I procrastinate, I am messy but I love things to be clean, I am unreliable, I annoy people and don't take the hint to stop.
I could go on forever..
Tuesday, 2 August 2011
02.08.11
Day Two: Another day of doing nothing, which SUCKED. I was so bored but at least time went quickly. I don't even have a computer yet, and i have a little bit of apprehension as to whether my position is even necessary anymore.. They were supposed to be closing the WA office which is why i was being hired but in the past 2 weeks, they've decided against that, and now it's staying open, this leaves my job in limbo, they haven't said that yet, but i'm not an idiot. So the super ideal outcome for me in this job, would be to prove myself as a valued team member and then ask for a transfer to WA :P Fingers crossed, hey?
Monday, 1 August 2011
Sunday, 31 July 2011
greek style lamb backstraps.
are delicious.
Seen here with cos lettuce; tomato; cheese; onion; mustard and mayo on a parmesan sub roll.
I could only eat half, saved the rest for tomorrow. speaking of which, huge day. First day at my new job.. Not feeling nervous like i thought i would be, but not looking forward to it either.. I'm sure i'll enjoy it once i'm there.
I don't remember if i wrote about my last psych visit or not.. It was a little overwhelming, so much so that she ended it early and let me leave. I was glad.. My chest hurt from being so anxious and i just wanted to cry. I don't know why, but it sucked.. I go back on the 9th. She is thinking of putting me on an anti depressant/anti anxiety but i don't want to because i know i'm not depressed. She said something about a personality disorder, i don't think i have one of those either, in fact, i know what i have, but how do i tell that to someone who is trained to know what's wrong with me? Anyway.. i've got 10 more sessions to go. *sigh*
31.07.11 V2.0
Ahh the sun is still out, how lucky are we?
Made pancakes for breakfast, they were from a pancake parlour mix, pretty good, not sure if i like them better than the standard mix ones i normally make. While everyone was out of the house i cleaned the showers (they were ultimate feral), our toilet and did a heap of washing. The place is STARTING to look okay but i'm still no where near satisfied.. i don't think i will be until i live in a newish house with freshly painted walls and lovely clean carpet. For now i guess i just have to try and live with it and stop worrying so much.
Definitely need to clean the dog and the fish tank.. the dog is rank and the fishtank isn't much better.. ahh, knew i shouldnt have had a beer, it's taken away a lot of my motivation :( CBF with the washing, it's my number 1 arch nemesis.. i don't mind putting it on to wash or hanging it out, i just HATE folding and hanging! boooo!
Really loving Gotye at the moment, i have a feeling that his latest track with Kimbra, "somebody that i used to know" will be top 10 in the hottest 100 of 2011, perhaps even #1?
Music hasn't been a very big part of my life lately like it normally is, hoping the change that, just need a bit of inspiration.
I'm so sleepy, how could i be sleepy after sleeping for 14 hours? God damn, nap time perhaps, mm.
Made pancakes for breakfast, they were from a pancake parlour mix, pretty good, not sure if i like them better than the standard mix ones i normally make. While everyone was out of the house i cleaned the showers (they were ultimate feral), our toilet and did a heap of washing. The place is STARTING to look okay but i'm still no where near satisfied.. i don't think i will be until i live in a newish house with freshly painted walls and lovely clean carpet. For now i guess i just have to try and live with it and stop worrying so much.
Definitely need to clean the dog and the fish tank.. the dog is rank and the fishtank isn't much better.. ahh, knew i shouldnt have had a beer, it's taken away a lot of my motivation :( CBF with the washing, it's my number 1 arch nemesis.. i don't mind putting it on to wash or hanging it out, i just HATE folding and hanging! boooo!
Really loving Gotye at the moment, i have a feeling that his latest track with Kimbra, "somebody that i used to know" will be top 10 in the hottest 100 of 2011, perhaps even #1?
Music hasn't been a very big part of my life lately like it normally is, hoping the change that, just need a bit of inspiration.
I'm so sleepy, how could i be sleepy after sleeping for 14 hours? God damn, nap time perhaps, mm.
31.07.11
Sunday. The last day of my 5 day weekend.. and i don't feel like i accomplished a lot, which sucks.. or maybe i'm just too hard on myself? I've done most of the washing, but i still need to fold and hang it up, perhaps that should be my major goal?
It's beautiful outside so that's a bonus. R is helping a friend move house and when he gets back, i'd like to have lunch in the sunshine. :)
I can't wait for summer.
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
26.07.11
"Don't expect what you dont give."
Perfect quote for how i'm feeling today.. Sometimes it just all gets a bit much and you get sick of putting others in front of yourself all the time, today was one of those days.
Years ago i lost a whole lot of friends, in hind site, it was great because they were terrible, but one thing i learnt from it, was that constant negativity ends in people getting annoyed, and in my case, left me virtually friendless. I didn't actually realise that i was negative all the time until after they pointed it out, but by then, they were already gone. I probably have more issues in my life right now than the average person, and definitely more than i used to, but i strive to not let that interfere with how i interact with people because i don't want to annoy them and risk loosing any more friendships. It's difficult, don't get me wrong, i have days when i want to smash everything around me and scream at anyone that tries to talk to me, and they happen often, but i like to think that i'm pretty good at disguising that because it's not fair to put that on the people around me, especially when they're trying to help, or being nice. So i will not feel guilty about being upset that someone else constantly does this to me, because i try so hard to make them feel better and all i feel like i get in return is negativity and no compassion or interest regarding my own issues. And for the record, my feelings get hurt every time you completely ignore what I'm saying or snap back at me, which is often, far too often.
On top of this, i am having a really bad day. It's my last day and i feel strange about it. This morning i felt really claustrophobic on the train and not much better on the bus. I've asked R to pick me up after work and he's agreed, which is lovely, he's amazing <3 I don't know what i'd do without him, i guess that's why i'm marrying him! :)
Can't wait to spend the next few days at home relaxing and getting my head together before i start the new job. Over and out.
Perfect quote for how i'm feeling today.. Sometimes it just all gets a bit much and you get sick of putting others in front of yourself all the time, today was one of those days.
Years ago i lost a whole lot of friends, in hind site, it was great because they were terrible, but one thing i learnt from it, was that constant negativity ends in people getting annoyed, and in my case, left me virtually friendless. I didn't actually realise that i was negative all the time until after they pointed it out, but by then, they were already gone. I probably have more issues in my life right now than the average person, and definitely more than i used to, but i strive to not let that interfere with how i interact with people because i don't want to annoy them and risk loosing any more friendships. It's difficult, don't get me wrong, i have days when i want to smash everything around me and scream at anyone that tries to talk to me, and they happen often, but i like to think that i'm pretty good at disguising that because it's not fair to put that on the people around me, especially when they're trying to help, or being nice. So i will not feel guilty about being upset that someone else constantly does this to me, because i try so hard to make them feel better and all i feel like i get in return is negativity and no compassion or interest regarding my own issues. And for the record, my feelings get hurt every time you completely ignore what I'm saying or snap back at me, which is often, far too often.
On top of this, i am having a really bad day. It's my last day and i feel strange about it. This morning i felt really claustrophobic on the train and not much better on the bus. I've asked R to pick me up after work and he's agreed, which is lovely, he's amazing <3 I don't know what i'd do without him, i guess that's why i'm marrying him! :)
Can't wait to spend the next few days at home relaxing and getting my head together before i start the new job. Over and out.
Monday, 25 July 2011
can't.sleep.
I just want to feel better, mentally and physically, something has to change. Doctor on Wednesday, actually looking forward to seeing her.
25.07.11
Saturday wasn't filled with cleaning and washing unfortunately, i'd forgotten that C's birthday party was starting during the day so i had to quickly shower and get ready to go, when i say quickly, i mean slowly, because i didn't rush. ;p
Bought cute birthday cards and a cake with heaps of chocolate bars to stick into it:
Had a good time despite it being really chilled out compared to normal. They had a daytime party because the neighbours have reported them to the council and the cops for noise complaints so they turned it off at midnight. Came home on Sunday, chilled out for the day, ate a steak, had some painkillers and went to sleep.
Woke up during the night with massive stomach cramps and didn't get much sleep. In the morning i had a shower and walking back to my room i almost fainted, i was so dizzy, went into the bathroom and vomed so hard, it was painful. Layed down on my bed and i couldn't get up. Called in sick to work, felt terrible because it's my second last day there and i've had several days off in the past 2 weeks, but there was absolutely no way i could have gone. Fell asleep until about 4pm, felt much better afterwards but was definitely lacking energy still. Don't know if it was food poisoning, lack of sleep, codeine or a combination of the 3, but i'm glad it's over.
Tomorrow is my last day at my current job, not looking forward to it.. can't say i'll miss the place, but i'm definitely worried about my frame of mind going into a new one. I'm not excited about starting at the new place and i don't quite understand that because normally i am.
In other news, i want to paint the cupboard doors and window sills in the kitchen to make it look cleaner, might do it on my days off this week. Also want to start looking at purchasing old school camera equipment and setting up my enlarger in the shed and making a dark room in there, would be awesome and relatively easy/cheap since i already own the expensive stuff. Need some more hobbies for sure.
And now i've got some bags of clothes to go through thanks to E for bringing them over. :)
Bought cute birthday cards and a cake with heaps of chocolate bars to stick into it:
Had a good time despite it being really chilled out compared to normal. They had a daytime party because the neighbours have reported them to the council and the cops for noise complaints so they turned it off at midnight. Came home on Sunday, chilled out for the day, ate a steak, had some painkillers and went to sleep.
Woke up during the night with massive stomach cramps and didn't get much sleep. In the morning i had a shower and walking back to my room i almost fainted, i was so dizzy, went into the bathroom and vomed so hard, it was painful. Layed down on my bed and i couldn't get up. Called in sick to work, felt terrible because it's my second last day there and i've had several days off in the past 2 weeks, but there was absolutely no way i could have gone. Fell asleep until about 4pm, felt much better afterwards but was definitely lacking energy still. Don't know if it was food poisoning, lack of sleep, codeine or a combination of the 3, but i'm glad it's over.
Tomorrow is my last day at my current job, not looking forward to it.. can't say i'll miss the place, but i'm definitely worried about my frame of mind going into a new one. I'm not excited about starting at the new place and i don't quite understand that because normally i am.
In other news, i want to paint the cupboard doors and window sills in the kitchen to make it look cleaner, might do it on my days off this week. Also want to start looking at purchasing old school camera equipment and setting up my enlarger in the shed and making a dark room in there, would be awesome and relatively easy/cheap since i already own the expensive stuff. Need some more hobbies for sure.
And now i've got some bags of clothes to go through thanks to E for bringing them over. :)
Saturday, 23 July 2011
23.07.11
Yesterday i took the train after work straight to my sister B's house, apparently i was meant to come later and it was meant to be a surprise engagement party for R and I, oops! Hahaha, they didn't mind. Mostly i wanted to go early because i wanted to play with F & H, they're B's 8 month old twins and i <3 them so much! They were very cute, as always. :) F was in her jolly jumper, it made her look like she was trying to do ballet, so funny.
They're the most well behaved babies i've ever been around, they rarely cry and they're always so happy and chirpy.
Dinner went well, my brother and oldest sister (i have 4 sisters) couldn't make it, but the rest did. B made moroccan chicken and it was delicious! We had mini lemon meringue pies with ice cream for desert, mmm!
Came home and virtually went straight to bed, we were exhausted.
Slept until 9am, i still feel tired but i don't think i could sleep anymore. We wanted to go out for crepes for breakfast but we're waiting on money to come through from someone which i think will mean we'll starve this weekend because i have a feeling it won't come through until next week, lol.
In happier news, i did my tax and i get a fair bit back! 2/3 of it will go back to someone i lent money off, but the other 1/3 will go on new clothes.. it's been a long time since i've bought new clothes so i'm happy about that. :)
Looking forward to a day filled with cleaning and relaxing in the arvo with some beers and hopefully the sun comes out to enjoy them in.
Thursday, 21 July 2011
lunch.
Mmm turkey, avocado and spinach sandwich, thanks to D for taking me to the supermarket to pick up a few things. I felt like an old person, like when we would pick my Nanna up and take her shopping and then drop her home. The reason for my being immobile, is that my car is currently defected, I need new tyres and I'm not getting them until next week. And now to do the washing.
21.07.11
The boys have been sick over the past few days and it seems that today is my day to feel le crap. That said, after a big sleep in this morning, i am feeling much better than i was.. Normally i would be feeling guilty for taking a day off, but i had about 8 sick days left when i handed in my resignation so i might as well make the most of it. :P
Today i will at least set myself some housework tasks, and lets hope that i can stick to them:
- Fold The Washing
- Wash/Dry/Straighten My Hair
- Tidy The Entire House
- Clean The Bathrom
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
20.07.11
Oops, must remember to blog!
The weekend was pretty massive, and for the first time in a long time, i can honestly say that i enjoyed every minute of it. Friday night we went to our friends house, nicknamed the P, hung around for a few hours catching up as we hadn't seen them much lately, came home and hung with the housemates some more.
Saturday was spent being pretty lazy, not my plan, but oh well.. Saturday night we went back to the P for one of the residents birthdays. Had a great time! They set up the front room with games like twister and i took my scrapbooking stuff and made the birthday boy a pretty birthday card thingy. Had a very odd experience in the last few hours of the weekend.. fun, but very odd! Was glad to be home.
Have been mentally drained the past few days, took a day off and just slept. So yeah, i'm mentally and physically drained, just want to take the rest of the week off. BOO. Wish i could.. Although I am feeling pretty sick and tired so if I'm still feeling ill tomorrow i'll definitely take it off.. fuck them.. i've got 4 working days left until a 5 day weekend and then i start my new job. :)
Tuesday, 19 July 2011
19.07.11
I am far too mentally drained to write a blog right now so here are some photos. The first two are last nights dinner and the third is the awesome cute wrapping i received a dress in from ebay! it made my day :)
Couldn't get the damn things to rotate :(
Friday, 15 July 2011
(meant to be) 14.07.11
We watched Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 1.. Normally I struggle through movies but I loved every minute of it! I only got distracted a handful of times which is very rare for me, now I desperately want to see part 2!
Yesterday (prior to leaving work) was hell! I'd only had 4 hours sleep yet I wasn't tired, it felt like my hyperactivity was peaking which soon turned into stress/anxiety. The other staff in my office went home so I was left by myself to do everything and I didn't feel like I was coping. I felt like my desk was so cluttered and no matter how well I arranged things, it was still closing in on me. R called and I spent the entire call pacing up and down a straight line on the ground because it made me feel more in control.. Sounds crazy! But it helped.. The breathing exercise I was told to do by my doctor made me feel worse because I kept loosing my count and feeling like an idiot for not being able to count to 4, 4 times. Anyway, once work finished, I got the bus into the city and wasn't really prepared for the train station.. I'd forgotten how hectic it is at 5:30pm.. Just tried to focus on my music and getting to my platform.. Even though I've been there so often, I always have a few moments of panic that I'm on the wrong platform and then subsequently, on the wrong train.. Hasn't ever happened however. R was waiting for me right outside the train and from that moment, all my panic and stress was gone :) it's amazing how quickly his presence can change my outlook.
Any so now that you all have an insight into my crazy side, heres a picture of last nights dinner, yum!
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
13.07.11 v2
So today i didn't go to work.. i had a doctors appointment and i wasn't quite in the right frame of mind to go. The "doctor" is more a "head doctor" that costs a lot.. sooo kept getting messages from people at work annoying me about work.. can't they just learn to do things for themselves? Anyway, got up at about 11am, had a shower and such, went to the supermarket to get a beer coupon, went to the bottle-o and got a slab of Peroni's for $29.95, yay for coupons. Got the train to the city, got a new bar for my monroe piercing, then got another train to the doctor place thingy. Was ANXIOUS as hell, met C my head doctor lady, she was a bit intimidating at first, but i think i relaxed by the end.. although i had to admit a lot of confronting things the whole session.. Guess that's to be expected for the first one, she wants to know as much as possible. In the end she gave me some breathing exercises and booked me in for my second session in 2 weeks.. but then i realised that it coincides with my last day of work so going to have to reschedule. Anyway, i don't think that simply talking about problems and doing breathing exercises fixes anything, but i'll give it a go.. she said that if i don't think it's working for me, i can request to see a different sort of specialist and i get 12 sessions between now and the end of the year to play with. Will see how the next few sessions go.
This worries me a lot:
70+ is supposedly an indication of adult ADD and i scored 105. I've thought i had it for years anyway, just difficult to bring myself to face it. This is pretty confronting, but it helps because it's a blog and even though i know that people i know in real life read this, for some reason i don't really care.
To change the subject completely.. really looking forward to the TV show Slide, mostly i'm drawn in by the song on the ad.. haha.
And now for a beer and then hopefully bed..
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
12.07.11
Nothing much exciting to report about today.. took the train + bus to work, it was effing freezing in the city, got to work early, got everything done in about an hour.. was bored for the rest of the day. Got the bus + train home, R picked me up, went shopping, cooked thai green curry and here we are. Oh, and we got beer called LUCKY BEER and it's shaped like a buddah, tastes like carlsberg. Shiet photos but they are below :)
Monday, 11 July 2011
11.07.11
I kept waking up through the night with an aching leg and i had the worst sleep, in the morning i texted my manager telling him i wasn't going to be in and he said i had to because they were 1 person down. Told him i'd be in at 12 because i needed more sleep. Got there and there was NOTHING to do.. i was so freaking bored, it was pointless me being there. Biggest waste of 5 hours ever.
Went to Mum & Dad's after work for dinner, it was Mum's birthday. Had a a BBQ with chicken skewers and a delicious pear and cous cous salad. Was the first time i'd seen my family since the engagement so there was lots of congratulations and such which is always lovely :)
We got Mum an outdoor lounge chair as a combined gift, she said she'd always wanted one but it was never the sort of thing she'd buy for herself.. and now they have a pool to enjoy it by! They moved house on the weekend and it's gigantic! It's a huge rectangle and the owners pay for the upkeep.. it's also solar heated which means we can enjoy it before summer really kicks in, can't wait! :)
Didn't get to see my sisters twins for long, they were asleep so i only got to wake them up just before they were leaving. I had F and Mum had H, they're so cute i could eat them all up. :)
Speaking of my sister, she asked who would be my bridesmaids.. well, i've got 4 sisters and they all want to be it!! Lol.. no idea.
So a boring day led into an enjoyable night, and now i'm exhausted, can't wait for bed.
Night.
Went to Mum & Dad's after work for dinner, it was Mum's birthday. Had a a BBQ with chicken skewers and a delicious pear and cous cous salad. Was the first time i'd seen my family since the engagement so there was lots of congratulations and such which is always lovely :)
We got Mum an outdoor lounge chair as a combined gift, she said she'd always wanted one but it was never the sort of thing she'd buy for herself.. and now they have a pool to enjoy it by! They moved house on the weekend and it's gigantic! It's a huge rectangle and the owners pay for the upkeep.. it's also solar heated which means we can enjoy it before summer really kicks in, can't wait! :)
Didn't get to see my sisters twins for long, they were asleep so i only got to wake them up just before they were leaving. I had F and Mum had H, they're so cute i could eat them all up. :)
Speaking of my sister, she asked who would be my bridesmaids.. well, i've got 4 sisters and they all want to be it!! Lol.. no idea.
So a boring day led into an enjoyable night, and now i'm exhausted, can't wait for bed.
Night.
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