11.09.11

I think i finally have to come to terms with the fact that i need to wear my glasses much more often than i do.. When watching TV, using the laptop, driving.. perhaps just all the time. I love them dearly but they're uncomfortable when lying down on the couch or something. BLEH.

Rewind back to my last blog entry, i had had my psychologist appointment but hadn't explained anything. Arrived late, as always (me NOT being late is rare), went in and told her about the big incident, although after we got talking, it became obvious that that incident was just as bad as all the other incidents, it's just that the cops got called which escalated things. She told me she was worried and i'd have to start a CBT diary and that because i didn't do it last time, i'd have to wait to be booked in for a psychiatric assessment but that it would probably be necessary. CBT stands for "cognitive behaviour therapy" and it basically means that you have to try and remember the thoughts you think before you express an emotion, in my case, anger and anxiety. The anxiety i can do, i get that tightness in my chest and pressure in my head a lot, i can usually remember my actions and thoughts and control myself whilst in this state, but the anger, that's a whole different ball game. As hard as it is to imagine (even i have no idea how it's possible), i completely blank out large chunks of what's happened when i get angry, there's no way i can remember my leading-up-to-outburst thoughts! If i could, it would be easier to control it, but there's very few times that i get very angry and live to remember the details. I remember flashbacks and the moment i snap back to reality, but i often wear myself out, fall asleep and wake up and not even remember what the argument was about, so this task is going to be next to impossible. I've at least tried though, put in a few entries, road rage, anxiety, a small burst of anger, nothing extraordinary though, nothing that is worrying.. so i don't know if this is going to help, BUT she wants me to do it, so i'd better.

After my appointment i went to visit my friend T, she was staying in the city for work training. Met up with a few of the guys from GC too (previous employment) and we ate wedges and bread w/ dips. Pretty average but the company was great, loved catching up with everyone and hopefully cheering T up a bit. :)

Went to drive home and realised i didn't have enough cash in my wallet for parking, it was $18!! I went up to the car because i knew there was some change in there, i was only $1.50 short. Drove down to the pay station, put the money in and realised it was asking for an extra $10!!! WHAT THE HELL? I must have just ticked over to the next hour, RIDICULOUS. Anyhow, it said it accepted bankcard, it didn't.. i started freaking out. Called R and told him i didn't know what to do. ANXIETY RISING. He tells me to find an ATM, i tell him there isn't one nearby, that's almost true, the carpark was pretty far from the hotel, and i was now crying and unreasonable and didn't want to bump into my friends in that state. R then suggested i get into a taxi and get them to drive me to an ATM, but that would have made me worse! By now i'm panicing pretty hard, something i'm pretty good at doing is avoiding situations where things like this can happen, i almost cancelled on T because i don't want things like this happening and it's easier just to avoid than to risk it! But i didn't because deep down i know that i have to grow up and be independent at some point.. R is usually with me if we're doing something outside the norm and i've definitely become far too comfortable with that.. i feel odd and nervous doing something without him being there to save me when things go wrong. BAD BAD BAD, i love him dearly for it but i know he won't always be there when i need him.

The rest of the week went pretty smoothly, no anger outbursts AND i'm loosing weight. loveeeeeely :)

This weekend was filled with cleaning and movies and lots of beer with R, it was nice to have a quiet anti social weekend for once, and i'm sure i'll feel better through the week for it.

Next appointment is the 27th of September, lets see if i can avoid any incidents between now and then.

Also, buying R a GoPro camera for his birthday i think.. failing that a Huffy Slider or a proper slot car thingy.. he wants all 3, so i'll just have to see what i can afford. Thankfully he can't read this :P

Slaters bitches. <3