I took a day off today because i had an appointment with my psych at 1pm.
Woke up at about 9am, lazed about but got up and had a shower and washed my hair soon after. Was almost late, as per usual. Felt like my session was pretty average. She thought i'd improved because i hadn't had a psychotic outburst in a month, but i don't feel like that at all. I feel totally unorganised and messy and dirty and horrible right now. She thinks that because i handled ONE moment that could have turned bad, that i can handle them all, but what she doesn't understand is that I'M NOT HANDLING IT. I'm not handling much at the moment. My house is a pigsty, i feel like my managers are doubting my ability, i keep talking too much, i say stupid things, i can't get anything done, i don't finish anything that i start, i'm always late, i'm always letting everyone around me down, i haven't even done my engagement invitations and it's in 1 month and 1 day. i am so annoyed at myself.
She keeps telling me she'll get my evaluated by a psychiatrist but now she tells me i have to wait for my 6th session which is the next one, not happening until after the party.. so for now i just have to keep writing in my stupid diary and try to control myself. i have to learn to be "mindful" so that i can control my actions BUT THAT DOESN'T WORK. i'm actually totally frustrated after todays session, she makes me angry sometimes and i haven't learnt anything!!!
Gah.
Fuck the world right now.
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