26.07.11

"Don't expect what you dont give."


Perfect quote for how i'm feeling today.. Sometimes it just all gets a bit much and you get sick of putting others in front of yourself all the time, today was one of those days.


Years ago i lost a whole lot of friends, in hind site, it was great because they were terrible, but one thing i learnt from it, was that constant negativity ends in people getting annoyed, and in my case, left me virtually friendless. I didn't actually realise that i was negative all the time until after they pointed it out, but by then, they were already gone. I probably have more issues in my life right now than the average person, and definitely more than i used to, but i strive to not let that interfere with how i interact with people because i don't want to annoy them and risk loosing any more friendships. It's difficult, don't get me wrong, i have days when i want to smash everything around me and scream at anyone that tries to talk to me, and they happen often, but i like to think that i'm pretty good at disguising that because it's not fair to put that on the people around me, especially when they're trying to help, or being nice. So i will not feel guilty about being upset that someone else constantly does this to me, because i try so hard to make them feel better and all i feel like i get in return is negativity and no compassion or interest regarding my own issues. And for the record, my feelings get hurt every time you completely ignore what I'm saying or snap back at me, which is often, far too often.


On top of this, i am having a really bad day. It's my last day and i feel strange about it. This morning i felt really claustrophobic on the train and not much better on the bus. I've asked R to pick me up after work and he's agreed, which is lovely, he's amazing <3 I don't know what i'd do without him, i guess that's why i'm marrying him! :)


Can't wait to spend the next few days at home relaxing and getting my head together before i start the new job. Over and out.