It's been a long time and i have so much going through my head that i'll probably only scrape the surface, but here goes..
Life is a mess.. i look like i'm holding it all together and this is what i want others to see, but really, inside, i have no idea what is going on.. i feel like a tangle of wires, so knotted it's better to throw them all away.
On the surface, my life is heading in a positive direction, we have an excellent money flow and debts are being paid off, slowly but surely ..Yet i feel like i'm stuck in the one spot, a dark, cold spotlight centered on me, i'm screaming so loudly, i feel like i'll explode, yet everyone keeps walking past as if they can't see me, as if everything is okay.
I can't pin point any individual thing that is wrong, in reality i should be happy that we're on track and i'm doing well at work.. but i feel like a loser, a failure.. I have nothing to show for myself and my major weakness is constantly pointed out and highlighted by people i'm meant to consider my friends.. it hurts and it makes me feel uncomfortable and ashamed, when i shouldn't, it doesn't define me.. But then, i let it get to me, so again, i'm the weak one.
So really, nothing major is wrong, but time and time again i have bad thoughts and do bad things.
i often wonder if it's all in my head, am i crazy or do i just think that i am?
I really don't know.
sometimes i just want to leave this world.
Thursday, 28 June 2012
Thursday, 17 May 2012
mice.
Recently we've been over run with the evil little creatures known as mice!
For months they were in the garage which didn't bother me that much because they didn't come inside. After a few days of heavy rain I started noticing our noodle packets had holes in them and there were mice droppings in the cupboard. Whilst this disgusted me, they didn't get into anything else, which was really weird, but we got some plastic snap traps to make sure it stayed that way, We set them with vegemite and peanut butter and didn't get a single mouse. Remembering their love for mi goreng noodles, we put a small piece on eat trap, BHAM, within a few hours we had successfully trapped and (instantly) killed about 8 mice. Over the next few days we only got 1 or 2 more and after doing a thorough clean in the cupboard and the weather getting better, they seemed to be eradicated, from the house at least. The garage was still a popular home for them, i never really went out there so i had no idea just how bad they were becoming. Sitting out there with the boys one day i noticed them running everywhere, it was disgusting! I couldn't believe that R had allowed it to get so bad without telling me or putting traps out there! I set a few and we caught mouse after mouse, but i knew we'd probably never catch them all since they breed so quickly, but so long as they weren't in the house, i didn't care too much.
A few weeks later the rain came back, and so did the mice!
It seemed like it was only a few days from when we noticed them, to when they had overrun our food cupboard.
One night we couldn't stand the noise anymore (we had left it longer than we should have as it was), we threw out almost all of the food in the cupboard, anything that wasn't in a sealed hard plastic container or a glass bottle went. It wasn't until we looked in the very top shelf that we realised the extend of the mini-infestation! It was filled with the usual top shelf items, unopened bills, half packets of straws, serviettes, and all the usual bits and pieces you probably should have thrown out months ago. Everything from that shelf went into the bin, including a pasta maker, no amount of cleaning chemical could make me want to use anything from up there again! The amount of poo was vomit worthy, the smell was revolting!
After cleaning it all out with some pretty hardcore cleaning chemicals, we set up traps and ensured all future food was put into containers before being put in there.
I have become pretty OCD with cleaning the benchtop with commercial grade cleaner sanitiser and rinsing repeatedly, especially after seeing a mouse run across the bench near the oven.. HOWEVER we are still finding mouse poo in the cupboard! There is nothing in there for them to eat anymore so why do they keep coming back??
My dog's ancestors were bred for rat baiting, a sport that came about after dog fighting was outlawed. It involved putting a dog in a ring with rats and seeing how many rats they could catch and kill within a certain amount of time. Yet my dog, big beefy J, sat and watched as mice ran from the kitchen to the lounge. When we had people over one weekend he surprisingly chased one and knocked over a table to try and get to it.. SHOW OFF! Needless to say his big boof head didn't get it, and he hasn't tried since.
We have caught 1 or 2 in traps since but they don't seem to be fooled by those anymore, so today i went on the lookout for smelly things i could spray to deter them.
The first is Peppermint.
Most of information says to dilute peppermint oil with water and spray along areas where they've been known to get in and where they like to hang out. Others say to soak cotton wool in it and place around the house. I could definitely get used to the house smelling like peppermint so when i can get my hands on some, i'm going to peppermint the shit out of the food cupboard and spray near every door and window.
However peppermint oil isn't something you can buy in a supermarket and i'm not really wanting to leave my house right now so it will have to wait until the weekend.
I have a mint plant on the bench which is perhaps why i've never seen any mouse poo on that bench (the one running across it was on the other bench), so i might break off a few sprigs and sprinkle around the cupboard in the meantime.
The second is Ammonia.
I remember my mum using cloudy ammonia around the garden to keep the cats away, i have no idea if it ever worked but i don't ever remember seeing a cat in any of our yards. Apparently it works by tricking the mice into thinking that a bigger predator animal is around and their natural instincts tell them to get the hell out of there and not to come back!
I don't have cloudy ammonia and like i said before, i cannot be bothered leaving the house right now, but i do have an ammoniated cleaner that definitely does have a strong smell because i use it for cleaning and it hurts my lungs. I work for an industrial cleaning chemical company and this is their "APC", more like KILL EVERYTHING SPRAY. So i will try putting a few bottle caps of it in the top of the cupboard and if the smell doesn't drive them away, they'll certainly die from drinking it.. I just don't know how we'll cope with the smell, uuuck.
So if you're still reading this you either don't get grossed out easily or i can make a mice invasion sound really intriguing, either way, i will update in a few days.. if there is no more mouse poo, i know i've done something right! I can guarantee i will find mouse poo within a few hours if it isn't working.
For months they were in the garage which didn't bother me that much because they didn't come inside. After a few days of heavy rain I started noticing our noodle packets had holes in them and there were mice droppings in the cupboard. Whilst this disgusted me, they didn't get into anything else, which was really weird, but we got some plastic snap traps to make sure it stayed that way, We set them with vegemite and peanut butter and didn't get a single mouse. Remembering their love for mi goreng noodles, we put a small piece on eat trap, BHAM, within a few hours we had successfully trapped and (instantly) killed about 8 mice. Over the next few days we only got 1 or 2 more and after doing a thorough clean in the cupboard and the weather getting better, they seemed to be eradicated, from the house at least. The garage was still a popular home for them, i never really went out there so i had no idea just how bad they were becoming. Sitting out there with the boys one day i noticed them running everywhere, it was disgusting! I couldn't believe that R had allowed it to get so bad without telling me or putting traps out there! I set a few and we caught mouse after mouse, but i knew we'd probably never catch them all since they breed so quickly, but so long as they weren't in the house, i didn't care too much.
A few weeks later the rain came back, and so did the mice!
It seemed like it was only a few days from when we noticed them, to when they had overrun our food cupboard.
One night we couldn't stand the noise anymore (we had left it longer than we should have as it was), we threw out almost all of the food in the cupboard, anything that wasn't in a sealed hard plastic container or a glass bottle went. It wasn't until we looked in the very top shelf that we realised the extend of the mini-infestation! It was filled with the usual top shelf items, unopened bills, half packets of straws, serviettes, and all the usual bits and pieces you probably should have thrown out months ago. Everything from that shelf went into the bin, including a pasta maker, no amount of cleaning chemical could make me want to use anything from up there again! The amount of poo was vomit worthy, the smell was revolting!
After cleaning it all out with some pretty hardcore cleaning chemicals, we set up traps and ensured all future food was put into containers before being put in there.
I have become pretty OCD with cleaning the benchtop with commercial grade cleaner sanitiser and rinsing repeatedly, especially after seeing a mouse run across the bench near the oven.. HOWEVER we are still finding mouse poo in the cupboard! There is nothing in there for them to eat anymore so why do they keep coming back??
My dog's ancestors were bred for rat baiting, a sport that came about after dog fighting was outlawed. It involved putting a dog in a ring with rats and seeing how many rats they could catch and kill within a certain amount of time. Yet my dog, big beefy J, sat and watched as mice ran from the kitchen to the lounge. When we had people over one weekend he surprisingly chased one and knocked over a table to try and get to it.. SHOW OFF! Needless to say his big boof head didn't get it, and he hasn't tried since.
We have caught 1 or 2 in traps since but they don't seem to be fooled by those anymore, so today i went on the lookout for smelly things i could spray to deter them.
The first is Peppermint.
Most of information says to dilute peppermint oil with water and spray along areas where they've been known to get in and where they like to hang out. Others say to soak cotton wool in it and place around the house. I could definitely get used to the house smelling like peppermint so when i can get my hands on some, i'm going to peppermint the shit out of the food cupboard and spray near every door and window.
However peppermint oil isn't something you can buy in a supermarket and i'm not really wanting to leave my house right now so it will have to wait until the weekend.
I have a mint plant on the bench which is perhaps why i've never seen any mouse poo on that bench (the one running across it was on the other bench), so i might break off a few sprigs and sprinkle around the cupboard in the meantime.
The second is Ammonia.
I remember my mum using cloudy ammonia around the garden to keep the cats away, i have no idea if it ever worked but i don't ever remember seeing a cat in any of our yards. Apparently it works by tricking the mice into thinking that a bigger predator animal is around and their natural instincts tell them to get the hell out of there and not to come back!
I don't have cloudy ammonia and like i said before, i cannot be bothered leaving the house right now, but i do have an ammoniated cleaner that definitely does have a strong smell because i use it for cleaning and it hurts my lungs. I work for an industrial cleaning chemical company and this is their "APC", more like KILL EVERYTHING SPRAY. So i will try putting a few bottle caps of it in the top of the cupboard and if the smell doesn't drive them away, they'll certainly die from drinking it.. I just don't know how we'll cope with the smell, uuuck.
So if you're still reading this you either don't get grossed out easily or i can make a mice invasion sound really intriguing, either way, i will update in a few days.. if there is no more mouse poo, i know i've done something right! I can guarantee i will find mouse poo within a few hours if it isn't working.
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
18.04.12
Life is like a blur at the moment.. I feel like i'm constantly rushing to do things and it hurts in my chest.
I think it's been this way for a long time but more so recently, since i've been given the responsibility of our biggest customer at my full time job. I can't seem to relax when i'm there because i always feel like i'm forgetting to do something, the stress can't be good for me. I do feel like i'm slowly catching up but i'm still behind, but thankfully, everyone seems to feel the same.
I enjoy my second job because it's work without stress! And i get to catch up with a few people i've become friends with and i get to boss little kids around, hehehe. People think i'm crazy for working so much but i like to keep busy and strangely the second job is actually a stress reliever.
As a consequence of the first job, life at home has also been hectic, well it hasn't, but it's felt like it has been.. Anxieeety is LAME, and it's made me really adgitated and short. Poor R has put up with lots of crazy me lately but thankfully we're working through it and i'm getting better. I guess this would point to the Valdoxan not working as well as it should BUT i don't think that's the case, it just works on different things.. My gum picking has almost stopped, in the past 20 years that has been a HUGE problem of mine, i've done it for as long as i can remember.. as i talk about this it makes me want to do it, UGH, but i think it's been about a month since i last did it, which is excellent! I used to do it every day or two, so, amazing.
And today i got a flat tyre a few minutes after starting the drive to work, normally i would have freaked out and screamed and not known what to do, but instead, i calmly called R, then called a taxi and went to work and i was only 3 minutes late.. i didn't even cry! I was so proud of myself :)
But my general anxiety is a bit shit, probably fuelled by the stress, but there is no effing way that i'm going on an SSRI or SNRI again, i might ask if i can get a low dosage benzo to take at night which will have a flow on effect during the day, just for when my chest hurts really bad.
The dex has been great, i don't "feel" them anymore, but they are definitely there working, helping me concentrate, toning down my crazy hyperactive self etc. I cut back some days just because i don't really need to be focussed 100% of the time, i think this will help with tolerance in the end.
In other news.. Life has been grand otherwise.
We have picked our wedding date, 14-03-14.
A long while away but still exciting!
I've even picked my shoes! :)
I think it's been this way for a long time but more so recently, since i've been given the responsibility of our biggest customer at my full time job. I can't seem to relax when i'm there because i always feel like i'm forgetting to do something, the stress can't be good for me. I do feel like i'm slowly catching up but i'm still behind, but thankfully, everyone seems to feel the same.
I enjoy my second job because it's work without stress! And i get to catch up with a few people i've become friends with and i get to boss little kids around, hehehe. People think i'm crazy for working so much but i like to keep busy and strangely the second job is actually a stress reliever.
As a consequence of the first job, life at home has also been hectic, well it hasn't, but it's felt like it has been.. Anxieeety is LAME, and it's made me really adgitated and short. Poor R has put up with lots of crazy me lately but thankfully we're working through it and i'm getting better. I guess this would point to the Valdoxan not working as well as it should BUT i don't think that's the case, it just works on different things.. My gum picking has almost stopped, in the past 20 years that has been a HUGE problem of mine, i've done it for as long as i can remember.. as i talk about this it makes me want to do it, UGH, but i think it's been about a month since i last did it, which is excellent! I used to do it every day or two, so, amazing.
And today i got a flat tyre a few minutes after starting the drive to work, normally i would have freaked out and screamed and not known what to do, but instead, i calmly called R, then called a taxi and went to work and i was only 3 minutes late.. i didn't even cry! I was so proud of myself :)
But my general anxiety is a bit shit, probably fuelled by the stress, but there is no effing way that i'm going on an SSRI or SNRI again, i might ask if i can get a low dosage benzo to take at night which will have a flow on effect during the day, just for when my chest hurts really bad.
The dex has been great, i don't "feel" them anymore, but they are definitely there working, helping me concentrate, toning down my crazy hyperactive self etc. I cut back some days just because i don't really need to be focussed 100% of the time, i think this will help with tolerance in the end.
In other news.. Life has been grand otherwise.
We have picked our wedding date, 14-03-14.
A long while away but still exciting!
I've even picked my shoes! :)
Tuesday, 17 April 2012
17.04.12
The break was annoying but i stuck with it and i'm glad i did.
I keep meaning to write a post on here but then i start and i forget everything i wanted to write.. UGH. How annoying.
I've been sick the past few days and i'm looking forward to going back to work.
I keep meaning to write a post on here but then i start and i forget everything i wanted to write.. UGH. How annoying.
I've been sick the past few days and i'm looking forward to going back to work.
Thursday, 29 March 2012
29.03.12
The Valdoxan has been a massive success!
I have been sleeping solidly and practically jumping out of bed in the morning.
I feel so clear headed with no side effects at all. A-MAZING.
The bruising is gone (aside from the usual), my skin has cleared up, i'm not sleeping through my alarms and the restless leg syndrome is gone.
Best of all, the Dex works 10x better now.. However i have been taking a break from it the past few days just while i completely switch over to the Valdoxan. I was meant to take a lower dose of the Lexapro for a minimum of 3 days to try and avoid an SSRI withdrawal, but i took it for one day and stopped after that, no negative effects that i noticed thankfully, i am so glad to be rid of it.
I have been taking a break from the Dex for the past few days and i'll continue on it until next week.. I picked a pretty bad week for a break considering how hectic work is at the moment, but i think the benefits will be worth it when i go back on it.
As for work, i want to cry right now. I have been given the shared responsibility of our biggest account after we shut down our WA office and we took over their work. HOWEVER they still expect me to do relatively the same workload as i did before, with this on top. I feel like i'm about 5 days behind where i should be.. They say i'm doing a good job and to palm things off if need be, but i simply don't even have 2 minutes to stop and think, i'm lucky to take 15 minutes for lunch because i need to rush back and utilise the rare time i have without the phones ringing. It's absolutely terrible and i can't wait to sleep in this weekend and go out for a relaxing breakfast with R on Saturday. Unfortunately i'm working Saturday and Sunday nights at my other job, but thankfully i really look forward to those shifts.
Now i'm starving and sleepy, waiting for R to get home with beer and food, mmm!
I have been sleeping solidly and practically jumping out of bed in the morning.
I feel so clear headed with no side effects at all. A-MAZING.
The bruising is gone (aside from the usual), my skin has cleared up, i'm not sleeping through my alarms and the restless leg syndrome is gone.
Best of all, the Dex works 10x better now.. However i have been taking a break from it the past few days just while i completely switch over to the Valdoxan. I was meant to take a lower dose of the Lexapro for a minimum of 3 days to try and avoid an SSRI withdrawal, but i took it for one day and stopped after that, no negative effects that i noticed thankfully, i am so glad to be rid of it.
I have been taking a break from the Dex for the past few days and i'll continue on it until next week.. I picked a pretty bad week for a break considering how hectic work is at the moment, but i think the benefits will be worth it when i go back on it.
As for work, i want to cry right now. I have been given the shared responsibility of our biggest account after we shut down our WA office and we took over their work. HOWEVER they still expect me to do relatively the same workload as i did before, with this on top. I feel like i'm about 5 days behind where i should be.. They say i'm doing a good job and to palm things off if need be, but i simply don't even have 2 minutes to stop and think, i'm lucky to take 15 minutes for lunch because i need to rush back and utilise the rare time i have without the phones ringing. It's absolutely terrible and i can't wait to sleep in this weekend and go out for a relaxing breakfast with R on Saturday. Unfortunately i'm working Saturday and Sunday nights at my other job, but thankfully i really look forward to those shifts.
Now i'm starving and sleepy, waiting for R to get home with beer and food, mmm!
Thursday, 22 March 2012
22.03.12
I woke up sick today and to top it off, my phone was vibrating constantly but wouldn't turn on. I had to email my manager to let her know and i feel terrible about it.. But i was sick and i needed sleep, so i fell asleep until i had to go to my doctor appointment.
Over the past few weeks i've been getting really bad bruises constantly and my face was breaking out in pimples that turned into disgusting weeping blisters. Very painful and ugly. So i made an appointment to see my doctor early and i'm glad i did. He took me off the Lexapro and put me on Valdoxen. It's quite new and not on the PBS yet so he's giving me samples until June, when it's supposed to be going on it. I take it at night and it doesn't have the horrible side effects that Lexapro does.. No weight gain, no restless leg syndrome, no mood swings, no skin problems, and most importantly, no loss in libedo AND no reduction in the effectiveness of the dex!
I have to take it at night and it will help me sleep so i can continue having my 7pm dose of Dex, which is something i wanted to keep but wasn't able to maintain because i was having problems sleeping.
I took my first dosage of the Valdoxen about an hour ago, already i'm feeling sleepy and calm. It's meant to take up to 4 hours to put you to sleep so i'll test it out over the next few days and see how i go. It works to resync your body clock by raising meletonin so you get a good proper sleep and somewhere along the way that helps reduce depression and anxiety, of which i have the later.
From the reviews i've read, the positive effects can usually be felt from day 1, i'm very much looking forward to seeing how tomorrow goes.
Having a few days off dex while i transition to the new medication, my choice, not the doctors.. I've always got it there if i need it, so i don't see any problem in it.
Over the past few weeks i've been getting really bad bruises constantly and my face was breaking out in pimples that turned into disgusting weeping blisters. Very painful and ugly. So i made an appointment to see my doctor early and i'm glad i did. He took me off the Lexapro and put me on Valdoxen. It's quite new and not on the PBS yet so he's giving me samples until June, when it's supposed to be going on it. I take it at night and it doesn't have the horrible side effects that Lexapro does.. No weight gain, no restless leg syndrome, no mood swings, no skin problems, and most importantly, no loss in libedo AND no reduction in the effectiveness of the dex!
I have to take it at night and it will help me sleep so i can continue having my 7pm dose of Dex, which is something i wanted to keep but wasn't able to maintain because i was having problems sleeping.
I took my first dosage of the Valdoxen about an hour ago, already i'm feeling sleepy and calm. It's meant to take up to 4 hours to put you to sleep so i'll test it out over the next few days and see how i go. It works to resync your body clock by raising meletonin so you get a good proper sleep and somewhere along the way that helps reduce depression and anxiety, of which i have the later.
From the reviews i've read, the positive effects can usually be felt from day 1, i'm very much looking forward to seeing how tomorrow goes.
Having a few days off dex while i transition to the new medication, my choice, not the doctors.. I've always got it there if i need it, so i don't see any problem in it.
Thursday, 15 March 2012
15-03-12
I am 25, work in an office under the title, Customer Service Officer.
I'm loud, talkative, bouncy, and a little bit crazy, but when it comes down to it, i have always done well at work, aside from being (slightly) late and forgetting things. I have tried my hardest at this job to be on time and had been early by an hour and a half for many weeks in a row.
I've recently been rewarded with the responsibility of looking after our biggest contract, along with another reliable girl. I have received a lot of praise from customers and account managers, i thrive on this and it's something i will always seek in whatever i do.
HOWEVER, about 6 weeks ago i started on Dex for my ADHD.
I started on 4 x 5mg daily.
7am, 11am, 3pm and 7pm.
My focus wasn't improved as much as i'd hoped, and my eating and sleeping was barely affected at all.
Then i went up to 4 x 10mg daily, at the same times as before.
For the first few days i was fine, aside from a little bit of appetite suppression, i slept almost the same, so i was happy with that.
The focus was a bit better, but again it could be better.
But then i started having issues sleeping, which resulted in having issues waking up.
4 days out of 6 i haven't even heard my alarms and i've woken up reaaally late and been 1-2 hours late.
I've discussed my new medication with my managers that there would be some teething problems with sleeping and eating and they said they understood. However today i was told off and made to feel like shit for it, despite yesterday cutting out my 7pm dose to try and help me fall asleep earlier. I set 9 alarms on my phone, 2 on my partners and our alarm clock, i even had 2 people give me wake up calls. I actually heard them this morning but i still woke up an hour late.
I have been making up the extra time, and more, that i've missed, but i still got into a heap of trouble. I was reduced to tears.. I don't know what to do.
Today i only took my 2 morning doses, i'm still worried that i won't wake up tomorrow, and the stress is really getting to me. I don't know if i should just stop the last 2 doses without talking with my doctor but at the same time i can't keep letting my workmates down.
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
14.03.12
R got the job!!
It's a relief but at the same time, a little disappointing.
He had been applying for jobs in WA again and we were getting excited about the prospect of it again.
A lady he spoke to that recruits for mine sites over there told him she'd be able to get him a job no problem, she sent over some paperwork but before he could look over it, he'd been told he had the job here. She was really disappointed when he called and said he'd been offered the job here, but she said to call her back if he ever changed his mind. The fact that he even had the courtesy to call her and let her know (my idea :P), puts him far ahead of most people i think, so in 6 months time, if R is still up for moving, i REALLY want to do it.
I love my friends here but i just want to escape for a few years and get ourselves on track for our wedding/future/careers/KIDS! :P
We spoke about the fact that we were both a bit disappointed but at the same time, it wouldn't have been the best thing for us right now.. We couldn't afford it and so we'd have to spend time apart until we could.
I feel really bad because i've been letting my work down a lot the past two weeks.
I've had 4 late days, all of them not being just 5-10 minutes, but 20 mins - 2 hours! Stupid medication was keeping me awake at night so i didn't even hear my alarms in the morning. I was woken up by my manager most days, and i was sick for two days. I feel super bad because they let me have the two sick days as time in lieu due to me always coming in early, and then i go and ruin it!
Thankfully i have told them all about the medication and how it affects me and they are pretty understanding, although i have a feeling that i may get into trouble tomorrow as today was too busy for my one on one meeting.
I'm HOPING to wake up on time tomorrow, i didn't take my last dosage which is normally at 7pm, i'm definitely more tired than i normally am at this time of night, so i'm going to head to bed at 10:30pm and pray that i sleep. I'll set a bazillion alarms and if i STILL don't wake up, there's something really wrong with me.
Over and out.
It's a relief but at the same time, a little disappointing.
He had been applying for jobs in WA again and we were getting excited about the prospect of it again.
A lady he spoke to that recruits for mine sites over there told him she'd be able to get him a job no problem, she sent over some paperwork but before he could look over it, he'd been told he had the job here. She was really disappointed when he called and said he'd been offered the job here, but she said to call her back if he ever changed his mind. The fact that he even had the courtesy to call her and let her know (my idea :P), puts him far ahead of most people i think, so in 6 months time, if R is still up for moving, i REALLY want to do it.
I love my friends here but i just want to escape for a few years and get ourselves on track for our wedding/future/careers/KIDS! :P
We spoke about the fact that we were both a bit disappointed but at the same time, it wouldn't have been the best thing for us right now.. We couldn't afford it and so we'd have to spend time apart until we could.
I feel really bad because i've been letting my work down a lot the past two weeks.
I've had 4 late days, all of them not being just 5-10 minutes, but 20 mins - 2 hours! Stupid medication was keeping me awake at night so i didn't even hear my alarms in the morning. I was woken up by my manager most days, and i was sick for two days. I feel super bad because they let me have the two sick days as time in lieu due to me always coming in early, and then i go and ruin it!
Thankfully i have told them all about the medication and how it affects me and they are pretty understanding, although i have a feeling that i may get into trouble tomorrow as today was too busy for my one on one meeting.
I'm HOPING to wake up on time tomorrow, i didn't take my last dosage which is normally at 7pm, i'm definitely more tired than i normally am at this time of night, so i'm going to head to bed at 10:30pm and pray that i sleep. I'll set a bazillion alarms and if i STILL don't wake up, there's something really wrong with me.
Over and out.
Saturday, 10 March 2012
10.03.12
It's been too long since the last update..
I found myself not really feeling the dex after a few days, this was pretty much what my doc said would happen. I slept and ate fine, something he said would be disrupted.. I've since gone up to an adult dose, which is normally the highest dose given to adults on this medication, but not the max that my doctor is willing to try.
I've been much more productive around the house which i've been using to my advantage, not really eating which is an advantage in itself, and having a little bit of difficulty sleeping before 2am.. Overall i've been a bit more productive at work, but not as much as i know i could be. I am considering taking a dex holiday.. Many people recommend it as it resets the brain in a way that makes the meds work efficiantly again, and then i can find my proper dose.
So i'm on 8 per day which is definitely a big step up from 4 but it's making my Lexapro react badly again, bad restless leg syndrome and my moods and flying up and down.. I was hoping to be switched to a different one last week but my doc wants to wait until the dex dosage has settled down. I am pretty sure i'll need to go up to 4 x 3 dex per day, or switch to 3 x 3 per day.. We will see. I've got enough to last me until my next appointment which is in a months time, so i can review then.
R may not have the job like they told him.. DICKS. He called them on Friday and the guy said they'd lost 2 major contracts and were still trying to get him on board.. Would have been nice if they'd told him weeks ago so he could start applying for other jobs. He's currently not working, so it's a bit stressful.
I don't doubt he'll be able to get a job within the next week, but he's been without a wage for 2 weeks and he tends to procrastinate on things such as this.. (we suspect he has inattentive ADHD..) so i'm more worried that he won't be bothered to find something. All i can do it try i guess.
Over and out. :)
I found myself not really feeling the dex after a few days, this was pretty much what my doc said would happen. I slept and ate fine, something he said would be disrupted.. I've since gone up to an adult dose, which is normally the highest dose given to adults on this medication, but not the max that my doctor is willing to try.
I've been much more productive around the house which i've been using to my advantage, not really eating which is an advantage in itself, and having a little bit of difficulty sleeping before 2am.. Overall i've been a bit more productive at work, but not as much as i know i could be. I am considering taking a dex holiday.. Many people recommend it as it resets the brain in a way that makes the meds work efficiantly again, and then i can find my proper dose.
So i'm on 8 per day which is definitely a big step up from 4 but it's making my Lexapro react badly again, bad restless leg syndrome and my moods and flying up and down.. I was hoping to be switched to a different one last week but my doc wants to wait until the dex dosage has settled down. I am pretty sure i'll need to go up to 4 x 3 dex per day, or switch to 3 x 3 per day.. We will see. I've got enough to last me until my next appointment which is in a months time, so i can review then.
R may not have the job like they told him.. DICKS. He called them on Friday and the guy said they'd lost 2 major contracts and were still trying to get him on board.. Would have been nice if they'd told him weeks ago so he could start applying for other jobs. He's currently not working, so it's a bit stressful.
I don't doubt he'll be able to get a job within the next week, but he's been without a wage for 2 weeks and he tends to procrastinate on things such as this.. (we suspect he has inattentive ADHD..) so i'm more worried that he won't be bothered to find something. All i can do it try i guess.
Over and out. :)
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
Tuesday, 28 February 2012
28.02.12
Wooh, over 10,000 page views! I wish it would say how many of those were actual legit, judging from the "source" of a lot of them, most of them aren't. :P
Oh well.
I have had a throat infection for the past few days so i stopped taking my ADHD meds because i just wanted to sleep. I kept taking the anti anxiety, although i can't wait to have them changed. I started taking the ADHD meds again today and boy do i have energy! Have done about 5 loads of washing and cleaned the lounge room from top to bottom, which is good, because we have a property valuer coming through on Friday and the place is a disgrace. I haven't been at work the past 2 days which i feel a little bit guilty about but it was definitely needed, throat was so sore and i had no energy.. I slept for the majority of the day and for 14-16 hours at night. Finally starting to feel alright now, so i'm going to my second job tonight. I'm training a new kid so i have to go whether i like it or not.
I'm feeling much more positive about the meds now, i can still be myself on them whilst having a bit more focus, looking forward to the results when my dosage is upped and my anti anxiety meds are changed. I've been able to sleep fine and i'm eating relatively the same as normal, not many side effects which is a good thing.
R finally heard back from the company after he called them, they said he should be receiving a letter of offer in the post soon, a big relief after not knowing if he actually had it or not. It will be an even bigger relief when he can sign on the dotted line.
And now time for more cleaning..
Oh well.
I have had a throat infection for the past few days so i stopped taking my ADHD meds because i just wanted to sleep. I kept taking the anti anxiety, although i can't wait to have them changed. I started taking the ADHD meds again today and boy do i have energy! Have done about 5 loads of washing and cleaned the lounge room from top to bottom, which is good, because we have a property valuer coming through on Friday and the place is a disgrace. I haven't been at work the past 2 days which i feel a little bit guilty about but it was definitely needed, throat was so sore and i had no energy.. I slept for the majority of the day and for 14-16 hours at night. Finally starting to feel alright now, so i'm going to my second job tonight. I'm training a new kid so i have to go whether i like it or not.
I'm feeling much more positive about the meds now, i can still be myself on them whilst having a bit more focus, looking forward to the results when my dosage is upped and my anti anxiety meds are changed. I've been able to sleep fine and i'm eating relatively the same as normal, not many side effects which is a good thing.
R finally heard back from the company after he called them, they said he should be receiving a letter of offer in the post soon, a big relief after not knowing if he actually had it or not. It will be an even bigger relief when he can sign on the dotted line.
And now time for more cleaning..
Friday, 24 February 2012
First Impressions.
Started the dex on Wednesday morning. It definitely had an affect on me, i was quieter and less fidgety, but i wouldn't say more focussed. It amplified my restless leg syndrome that the anti-anxiety medication was giving me, so i felt very uncomfortable and slightly more anxious than normal. I am going to be changing to a different type at a higher strength, but he's keeping me on this for a meantime. I will definitely request that he changes me at my next appointment, if he doesn't, i will stop taking them myself.
Wednesday i had a really sore throat so i stayed home and didnt have any of my medication. I forgot, to be honest, remembered about 5pm, so had my last dosage and went to sleep.
Today i still felt crappy. I felt quiet and less fidgety again, but now it's almost time for my last dosage, and i'm extremely fidgety and not feeling motivated in the slightest.
I've been started on a 20mg p/day dosage, 1 x 5mg 4 times per day. 7am, 11am, 3pm, 7pm.
Thankfully i sleep fine on them, unfortunately it's not suppressing my hunger as much as i hoped it would :p
I'm not really getting feelings of hunger, but i am still needing to eat regularly.
I'm going up to 40mg, so 10mg per dose, the Tuesday after next.. That is generally an adult dosage, but if it doesn't give the desired effect, i have approval to go up to 70mg p/day, something tells me that i'll be at the higher end of dosage. That said, i don't like being a zombie, and if it does that to me, i will reduce my dosage, or stop, on the weekends. I enjoy being hyperactive, loud and crazy, but i need to be able to focus at work or when doing things that are important, such as sorting out my life :P
Time will tell, i suppose.
I'm working tonight, really can't be bothered.. where all this excess energy and motivation the doctor told me i'd get? Lame.
Wednesday i had a really sore throat so i stayed home and didnt have any of my medication. I forgot, to be honest, remembered about 5pm, so had my last dosage and went to sleep.
Today i still felt crappy. I felt quiet and less fidgety again, but now it's almost time for my last dosage, and i'm extremely fidgety and not feeling motivated in the slightest.
I've been started on a 20mg p/day dosage, 1 x 5mg 4 times per day. 7am, 11am, 3pm, 7pm.
Thankfully i sleep fine on them, unfortunately it's not suppressing my hunger as much as i hoped it would :p
I'm not really getting feelings of hunger, but i am still needing to eat regularly.
I'm going up to 40mg, so 10mg per dose, the Tuesday after next.. That is generally an adult dosage, but if it doesn't give the desired effect, i have approval to go up to 70mg p/day, something tells me that i'll be at the higher end of dosage. That said, i don't like being a zombie, and if it does that to me, i will reduce my dosage, or stop, on the weekends. I enjoy being hyperactive, loud and crazy, but i need to be able to focus at work or when doing things that are important, such as sorting out my life :P
Time will tell, i suppose.
I'm working tonight, really can't be bothered.. where all this excess energy and motivation the doctor told me i'd get? Lame.
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
21.02.12
I bet you've all been hanging out to see how i went, right??! Lol. Or not.
But anyway, i was far too exhausted to write an entry last night, so here goes..
Didn't get a lot of sleep over the weekend, woke up stupidly tired, I had to go with R to work because we still only have 1 working car, he starts at 7:30am. I took to car to medicare and got my rebate for the psych appointment and then headed to the GP. He told me the authority still wasn't back (despite me having called on Saturday and told it was there), in fact, it hadn't even been sent away. It didn't come back until this morning so i haven't had the chance to start it.. Tomorrows entry will be a bit more informative in that department.
Today i decided to have a "fat" day since one of the side effects of the medication is a loss of appetite. Bacon and egg sandwich for breaky, full strenth red bulls (which were a bad choice by the way), lunch was a healthy frozen meal.. But i made up for it at dinner with lots of stuff from the fish and chip shop.
R passed his medical which is excellent! He still hasn't heard back from the company yet so he's a bit nervous about it all. I'm sure he'll be fine and it's still his but until he signs on the dotted line there's a bit of uncertainty.. He's also being very grumpy and mean to me, ugh. I'm just trying to stay out of his way.
Need to wash my hair but totally cannot be bothered.. Maybe tomorrow.. I have lots of things planned for then, I need to make a list!
But anyway, i was far too exhausted to write an entry last night, so here goes..
Didn't get a lot of sleep over the weekend, woke up stupidly tired, I had to go with R to work because we still only have 1 working car, he starts at 7:30am. I took to car to medicare and got my rebate for the psych appointment and then headed to the GP. He told me the authority still wasn't back (despite me having called on Saturday and told it was there), in fact, it hadn't even been sent away. It didn't come back until this morning so i haven't had the chance to start it.. Tomorrows entry will be a bit more informative in that department.
Today i decided to have a "fat" day since one of the side effects of the medication is a loss of appetite. Bacon and egg sandwich for breaky, full strenth red bulls (which were a bad choice by the way), lunch was a healthy frozen meal.. But i made up for it at dinner with lots of stuff from the fish and chip shop.
R passed his medical which is excellent! He still hasn't heard back from the company yet so he's a bit nervous about it all. I'm sure he'll be fine and it's still his but until he signs on the dotted line there's a bit of uncertainty.. He's also being very grumpy and mean to me, ugh. I'm just trying to stay out of his way.
Need to wash my hair but totally cannot be bothered.. Maybe tomorrow.. I have lots of things planned for then, I need to make a list!
Sunday, 19 February 2012
Friday, 17 February 2012
Two more days until my world changes.
The last few days have been more frustrating than i anticipated. I attempted to get my appointment pushed back to today so i could start the medication on a weekend, that way it wouldn't matter as much if i struggled to get to sleep and i could have a few days to get used to the change before starting work. Unfortunately my doctor was booked out until late next week so i had to stick to my Monday morning appointment. For some unknown reason i've been extremely agitated and unfocussed, let's hope that Monday brings about a change.
Two more days until my world changes forever.
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
15.02.12 part III
Ahh, how did i forget to mention this? R has been meaning to look for another job for well over a year, but he wanted to finish his apprenticeship, and then when he did he wanted to get his electrical licence, anyway, long story short, he put it off for ages. He finally applied for a pretty big job, excellent pay, brand new car, phone, uniform, petrol, tools, overtime.. He applied, got an interview and it went really well. He didn't hear anything for a month and we were starting to get a little disheartened, AND THEN, he got a call saying that pending a medical, it was his! So he has the medical on Monday and hopefully he definitely does have the position because he's quit his current job!
Excitement plus!
Excitement plus!
15.02.12 part II
Saw Dr. J today for the first time, a psychiatrist, I had to see him almost as a formality as Dr C, my GP, had basically already told me that I have ADHD. I needed the Dr J to confirm the diagnosis and give the authority to start treatment on stimulants, which he did. On Monday I go back to Dr C who will talk me through the different kinds and he will probably trial me on both to see which is more effective. I will see Dr C every 3 months and Dr J once a year.
Dr J suggested that I might need to change my anxiety medication due to a few side effects that haven't improved, but he said to see how I go on the stimulants first.
What an amazing thing to finally be over the line! I made it, it took a lot of perseverance, courage and many hours sifting through forums and reports online to get me where I am, but it was all worth it. :)
Dr J suggested that I might need to change my anxiety medication due to a few side effects that haven't improved, but he said to see how I go on the stimulants first.
What an amazing thing to finally be over the line! I made it, it took a lot of perseverance, courage and many hours sifting through forums and reports online to get me where I am, but it was all worth it. :)
15.02.12
Today is the day of my big appointment.. i am nervous but i don't get the usual pangs of anxiety in my stomach that i'd normally get, i put that down to the medication. Will report back tonight on how it goes.
Monday, 13 February 2012
13.02.12
People think i'm crazy for working my part time job as well as my full time one, but honestly, i really enjoy the part time job. Firstly i get to socialise with my sister, secondly, i get to have a laugh, and thirdly, for some strange reason i get satisfaction out of having a set list of things to do and getting them done and completed. I don't always get everything done in the time that i've got, but i always try to do the best close i can, and i often get comments from managers and other staff that i'm the only front person that knows what they're doing. I think i enjoy the positive feedback because it's something i'm actually good at and can finish, unlike most things in my life.
Most of the kids stand around reading the paper or talking, even when i ask them to do simple tasks, normally it doesn't bother me but tonight it did because the kid kept getting in my way. I am not often focused so when i get on a roll, i get very annoyed when i'm interupted by someone/something, and this kid was pushing my buttons. Anyhow, i managed to "mhmm" and nod enough to get me to 11pm, thank god! Longest hour of my life.
My feet are sore but i'm wide awake, winding down with a glass of wine, see you all tomorrow!
(Does anyone even read this anymore?)
Most of the kids stand around reading the paper or talking, even when i ask them to do simple tasks, normally it doesn't bother me but tonight it did because the kid kept getting in my way. I am not often focused so when i get on a roll, i get very annoyed when i'm interupted by someone/something, and this kid was pushing my buttons. Anyhow, i managed to "mhmm" and nod enough to get me to 11pm, thank god! Longest hour of my life.
My feet are sore but i'm wide awake, winding down with a glass of wine, see you all tomorrow!
(Does anyone even read this anymore?)
Sunday, 12 February 2012
12.02.12
Sunday night is coming to an end and i can happily report that i had an enjoyable weekend.
Alrighty, so where was I?
So the new medication seems to be working great for my anxiety issues, however, it still makes me overly fidgety and when I forget to take it in the morning and have it close to bedtime, I'm wide awake for hours. Thankfully this has only happened twice so it shouldn't have much of an affect on me. I am definitely wondering how I'll go sleeping once I get the stimulant medication, but I'm sure I'll get used to it.
Psych appointment is getting very close, amazingly im not even nervous :)
I worked Friday night so by the time i got home, R was asleep and i wasn't far away.
Slept in a bit more than normal on Saturday, and woke up excited about the possibility of purchasing a DSLR as a late birthday present from my wonderful fiancé.
Went to the shopping centre and compared prices, ended up settling on the Pentax K-r.
I'm not a fan of Cannon and despite there being one with $300+ off the original price, i still couldn't cross that line.
My original love of photography stemmed from a Pentax film camera so it felt right to get another from the same brand in the digital world.
Needless to say, i love it!
Saturday night i went to my managers house for pre drinks to her birthday dinner. We got picked up and went a couple of suburbs away to eat Indian, it was delightful and cheap.
After this we headed back to Kristy's but no one wanted to go out, except for Kristy and i! So i called up my parents who were on their way home from my sisters house, they picked us up and dropped us off. We drank and sang and had a great time..I'm not sure if it was the alcohol or the anti-anxiety meds that i'm on, but normally i'd be pining for home and for R, but i was fine, amazing!
And now i'm falling asleep...Will edit and finish this later..
Alrighty, so where was I?
So the new medication seems to be working great for my anxiety issues, however, it still makes me overly fidgety and when I forget to take it in the morning and have it close to bedtime, I'm wide awake for hours. Thankfully this has only happened twice so it shouldn't have much of an affect on me. I am definitely wondering how I'll go sleeping once I get the stimulant medication, but I'm sure I'll get used to it.
Psych appointment is getting very close, amazingly im not even nervous :)
Saturday, 11 February 2012
my new love!
My new toy!
I am so excited, you have no idea!
10 years ago I discovered my love for photography with a Pentax K1000 film camera. Unfortunately the digital age was upon us and I fell behind due to expense. This is just an entry level camera, but it's all I need right now and I am stupidly happy, you can't wipe the smile off my face! <3
I am so excited, you have no idea!
10 years ago I discovered my love for photography with a Pentax K1000 film camera. Unfortunately the digital age was upon us and I fell behind due to expense. This is just an entry level camera, but it's all I need right now and I am stupidly happy, you can't wipe the smile off my face! <3
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
07.02.12
Ugh, i feel so fat.
The guys at work are being really health concious and i'm trying but i'm not trying very hard. :P
I have no self control when it comes to this sort of thing.. I've always been this way except back in the old day i could eat and drink as much as i liked i was always skinny. That said, i'm not overweight, i'm just 10kg heavier than i want to be. Bring on 55kg! (I just wish i didn't have to do anything to get to that point).
8 days until my psych appointment.. Normally i'd be anxious and dreading it, but i'm calm and actually looking forward to it. Is it the pills i'm on? I haven't noticed any difference emotionally yet but they are designed to ease my anxiety.. Or is it because i know that all the evidence is being presented to him on a silver platter and there's almost no chance that he'll laugh in my face like the last.
I'm doing so badly at work lately that i can't wait to be at the top of my game and show them all how good i can be! Yesterday i slept for 17 hours.. then woke up and felt like crap all day. Thankfully today i felt better and went to work, can't say i was very productive though.
Anyhow, that's enough negativity for tonight.
<3
The guys at work are being really health concious and i'm trying but i'm not trying very hard. :P
I have no self control when it comes to this sort of thing.. I've always been this way except back in the old day i could eat and drink as much as i liked i was always skinny. That said, i'm not overweight, i'm just 10kg heavier than i want to be. Bring on 55kg! (I just wish i didn't have to do anything to get to that point).
8 days until my psych appointment.. Normally i'd be anxious and dreading it, but i'm calm and actually looking forward to it. Is it the pills i'm on? I haven't noticed any difference emotionally yet but they are designed to ease my anxiety.. Or is it because i know that all the evidence is being presented to him on a silver platter and there's almost no chance that he'll laugh in my face like the last.
I'm doing so badly at work lately that i can't wait to be at the top of my game and show them all how good i can be! Yesterday i slept for 17 hours.. then woke up and felt like crap all day. Thankfully today i felt better and went to work, can't say i was very productive though.
Anyhow, that's enough negativity for tonight.
<3
Thursday, 2 February 2012
02.02.12
Oh boy have there been side effects.
Within about 30 mins of taking the first dosage, i started feeling really dizzy which progressed onto feeling really odd, extremely restless is the best way to describe it. That night i also got nausea, sweats, dry mouth, headache and last but not least, insomnia.
Work on Tuesday sucked, i felt so sick and dizzy that i had to cancel my shift at my second job in the afternoon.
Wednesday i felt a bit better and thought my body was starting to get used to it, aaaand then i woke up this morning. I could have vommed on the spot. I had to stop several times and force myself not to vomit. I almost didn't go to work but i assumed that i would probably start to feel better soon enough. True to form the symptoms lessened, but then came back again just as bad, and so on, so forth through the day.
A headache set in a few hours ago and with that came the vertigo..
Another thing i've been getting is being really hungry but not being able to eat, it sucks!
WHEN WILL THIS END?
I'm giving it a go because i know that it will be good for me in the long run, but right now i am getting all the side effects and none of the good effects. :(
Work is stressful too.. I managed to catch up somewhat but everyday i'm falling behind and i don't like it. Bring on the ADHD medication, hopefully i can focus and actually get my work done!
And now my day of healthy eating is being ruined by a nice yummy dinner of chips with gravy, yum!
Within about 30 mins of taking the first dosage, i started feeling really dizzy which progressed onto feeling really odd, extremely restless is the best way to describe it. That night i also got nausea, sweats, dry mouth, headache and last but not least, insomnia.
Work on Tuesday sucked, i felt so sick and dizzy that i had to cancel my shift at my second job in the afternoon.
Wednesday i felt a bit better and thought my body was starting to get used to it, aaaand then i woke up this morning. I could have vommed on the spot. I had to stop several times and force myself not to vomit. I almost didn't go to work but i assumed that i would probably start to feel better soon enough. True to form the symptoms lessened, but then came back again just as bad, and so on, so forth through the day.
A headache set in a few hours ago and with that came the vertigo..
Another thing i've been getting is being really hungry but not being able to eat, it sucks!
WHEN WILL THIS END?
I'm giving it a go because i know that it will be good for me in the long run, but right now i am getting all the side effects and none of the good effects. :(
Work is stressful too.. I managed to catch up somewhat but everyday i'm falling behind and i don't like it. Bring on the ADHD medication, hopefully i can focus and actually get my work done!
And now my day of healthy eating is being ruined by a nice yummy dinner of chips with gravy, yum!
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
31.01.11
Another excellent appointment, it finally feels like they're worth my time and money!
My first appointment was in the morning and i was almost late. It was with a mental health nurse and she basically took a chronological account of my life.. I felt pretty uncomfortable in there, i prefer people to prompt me but it felt like she wanted me to tell her the things she wanted to know, rather than probe me for information. I go very quiet in situations that make me feel uneasy so i don't know if i said everything that i wanted to.
Anyhow, afterwards was my appointment with my GP. He had had me take a questionnaire that tailors the questions depending on your previous answers and from that it sends an analysis to which ever doctor recommended the test be taken. So my results were quite thorough and a little surprising. It suggested a possible bi-polar disorder but after discussing it further he dismissed that based on my up phases not being quite at the euphoric stage and my lack of depressed phases. I apparently have 2 severe anxiety disorders and 2 mild anxiety disorders. Oh, and i scored an A+ in the ADHD section. LOL. So he's started me on anti anxiety medication. He said there might be side effects, and boy were there side effects! Dizziness, nausea, headache, dry mouth, sweats and insomnia.. Let's just say that the past two days have been painful. :(
He said it should ease up in a couple of days so i just have to put up with the pain. If i didn't have the anxiety worked out by the time i get put onto the ADHD medication, it could make it a whole lot worse. I love how thorough my GP is being, it's great! 15 days until my psych appointment so just enough time to get used to this first lot of medication.
Wow, i'm almost in disbelief over the wonderful treatment i'm receiving now in comparison to a few months ago. :)
My first appointment was in the morning and i was almost late. It was with a mental health nurse and she basically took a chronological account of my life.. I felt pretty uncomfortable in there, i prefer people to prompt me but it felt like she wanted me to tell her the things she wanted to know, rather than probe me for information. I go very quiet in situations that make me feel uneasy so i don't know if i said everything that i wanted to.
Anyhow, afterwards was my appointment with my GP. He had had me take a questionnaire that tailors the questions depending on your previous answers and from that it sends an analysis to which ever doctor recommended the test be taken. So my results were quite thorough and a little surprising. It suggested a possible bi-polar disorder but after discussing it further he dismissed that based on my up phases not being quite at the euphoric stage and my lack of depressed phases. I apparently have 2 severe anxiety disorders and 2 mild anxiety disorders. Oh, and i scored an A+ in the ADHD section. LOL. So he's started me on anti anxiety medication. He said there might be side effects, and boy were there side effects! Dizziness, nausea, headache, dry mouth, sweats and insomnia.. Let's just say that the past two days have been painful. :(
He said it should ease up in a couple of days so i just have to put up with the pain. If i didn't have the anxiety worked out by the time i get put onto the ADHD medication, it could make it a whole lot worse. I love how thorough my GP is being, it's great! 15 days until my psych appointment so just enough time to get used to this first lot of medication.
Wow, i'm almost in disbelief over the wonderful treatment i'm receiving now in comparison to a few months ago. :)
Saturday, 28 January 2012
Friday, 27 January 2012
27.01.12
GREAT NEWS! I've found a doctor that is willing to help me. I was anxious going in but pretty soon he calmed my nerves and by the end he'd given me a plan for the next few weeks.
I had to do an online questionaire thingy and the results get sent to my doctor.
On Monday i'm going to see the mental health nurse at his clinic who goes through my entire history and writes up her findings in a report for my doctor. Then straight after i see my doctor who uses both results to write a letter to the psychiatrist.. of which i've booked for the 15th of next month. I could have seen him sooner if we had the funds but unfortunately i'm poor!
So yeah, i'm very relieved and looking forward to the future.
Had a BBQ at our house for Australia Day, wanted to get a pool but they were sold out everywhere, so we got water bombs instead. Turned out to be a beautiful day, cooked up a feast and drank a few beers, enjoyed the sunshine. :)
Went to bed relatively early considering, missed a big chunk of the night but woke up feeling great, unlike R who was a little worse for wear :P
Thankfully we took today and Monday off.. I keep forgetting that it's only Friday.. Not sure if i'm going to do anything after work, R's at a friends house for a few drinks so i might go round there, depending on how i feel.
I'm babysitting the twins on Sunday and i've got my doctors appointments on Monday, so tonight is the only real night for doing anything. BEACH tomorrow, can't wait. :)
I had to do an online questionaire thingy and the results get sent to my doctor.
On Monday i'm going to see the mental health nurse at his clinic who goes through my entire history and writes up her findings in a report for my doctor. Then straight after i see my doctor who uses both results to write a letter to the psychiatrist.. of which i've booked for the 15th of next month. I could have seen him sooner if we had the funds but unfortunately i'm poor!
So yeah, i'm very relieved and looking forward to the future.
Had a BBQ at our house for Australia Day, wanted to get a pool but they were sold out everywhere, so we got water bombs instead. Turned out to be a beautiful day, cooked up a feast and drank a few beers, enjoyed the sunshine. :)
Went to bed relatively early considering, missed a big chunk of the night but woke up feeling great, unlike R who was a little worse for wear :P
Thankfully we took today and Monday off.. I keep forgetting that it's only Friday.. Not sure if i'm going to do anything after work, R's at a friends house for a few drinks so i might go round there, depending on how i feel.
I'm babysitting the twins on Sunday and i've got my doctors appointments on Monday, so tonight is the only real night for doing anything. BEACH tomorrow, can't wait. :)
Thursday, 19 January 2012
19.01.12
Loving my new diary.. why have i never bothered with one before? Probably because i've always forgot to get one at the beginning of the new year and subsequently couldn't start one half way through the year because i wouldn't like the first half being empty! Strange? Yes. But that's me. :p
Soooo tomorrow night i've got kareoke with some old school friends in the city, won't be out too late as i've got to get up in the morning for a shopping date with a work collegue. Then i'm working on Saturday night at my second job, (although i won't be if my sister doesn't organise my meeting with her boss this afternoon!) i finish at 1am so i can still do something if i want, i'll just have to have a nap on Saturday arvo so i can stay awake longer on Saturday night.
The following Tuesday i'm doing (attempting!) the 1000 steps with D, looking forward to it, have never done it so hopefully i don't die. :P
Next week i have a "pact" with my work friend that i won't drink for the entire week, but then i rememebered Australia Day, and i was given an exemption, haha. But i am pretty sure that i will fail, i'd be happy to do 3-4 days, BUT A WHOLE SIX DAYS? That's redonculous.
Anyhow's i've also been setting reminders in my phone for things like "wash my hair" and it's actually helping me to remember to do things, so as long as i don't procrastinate, i'm getting things done.
Horray for processes working.
Soooo tomorrow night i've got kareoke with some old school friends in the city, won't be out too late as i've got to get up in the morning for a shopping date with a work collegue. Then i'm working on Saturday night at my second job, (although i won't be if my sister doesn't organise my meeting with her boss this afternoon!) i finish at 1am so i can still do something if i want, i'll just have to have a nap on Saturday arvo so i can stay awake longer on Saturday night.
The following Tuesday i'm doing (attempting!) the 1000 steps with D, looking forward to it, have never done it so hopefully i don't die. :P
Next week i have a "pact" with my work friend that i won't drink for the entire week, but then i rememebered Australia Day, and i was given an exemption, haha. But i am pretty sure that i will fail, i'd be happy to do 3-4 days, BUT A WHOLE SIX DAYS? That's redonculous.
Anyhow's i've also been setting reminders in my phone for things like "wash my hair" and it's actually helping me to remember to do things, so as long as i don't procrastinate, i'm getting things done.
Horray for processes working.
Monday, 16 January 2012
16.01.12
Left work early today to make it to my GP appointment at a clinic in the inner city suburbs. It was soooo hot and my air con definitely does not work when it's that hot.. Window down, tunes blaring, i was nervous and feeling quite unprepared (I don't know what i need to do to feel prepared for an appointment such as this but that's how i felt.) Got a bit lost, stressed out, found a park, found the clinic, walked in, and the girl didn't seem very confident when i stated my name and who i was there to see. Turns out that the day that i booked my appointment was the same day that their systems crashed and wiped out all bookings made that day. Woohoo. my appointment no longer existed. I'd taken time off work and driven through the heat for nothing. Oh well, i took it in my stride due to it not being their fault.
I'm not sure if i posted about this but i'm not going to be working a second job with my sister at a fast food outlet. She is the manager and she needs experienced staff to cover shifts and train staff.. I'm experienced and i enjoyed working there when i was younger.. They're also very flexible and can work around my availabilities quite easily. Fingers crossed every cent i earn from there can go toward the WA fund which is currently quite bare.
Anyhow, going back to this afternoon.. My sis called me to ask if i can switch my Wednesday meeting with her boss to this afternoon, i said "sure, book me in for 6:30" to fit in with my appointment.. The catch? Despite having my license, i need my birth certificate.. After my appointment being cancelled i got home early, searched the house for my B/C but could not find it anywhere.. Thankfully she cancelled, here's hoping i can find it by Wednesday.... Knowing my luck, i won't be able to. Surely my license should be more than enough??
Back on my eating healthy bandwagon, and D and i are going to go to the solarium.. Hopefully i'll be looking good by the time the real beach weather hits! (If that ever happens)
I'm not sure if i posted about this but i'm not going to be working a second job with my sister at a fast food outlet. She is the manager and she needs experienced staff to cover shifts and train staff.. I'm experienced and i enjoyed working there when i was younger.. They're also very flexible and can work around my availabilities quite easily. Fingers crossed every cent i earn from there can go toward the WA fund which is currently quite bare.
Anyhow, going back to this afternoon.. My sis called me to ask if i can switch my Wednesday meeting with her boss to this afternoon, i said "sure, book me in for 6:30" to fit in with my appointment.. The catch? Despite having my license, i need my birth certificate.. After my appointment being cancelled i got home early, searched the house for my B/C but could not find it anywhere.. Thankfully she cancelled, here's hoping i can find it by Wednesday.... Knowing my luck, i won't be able to. Surely my license should be more than enough??
Back on my eating healthy bandwagon, and D and i are going to go to the solarium.. Hopefully i'll be looking good by the time the real beach weather hits! (If that ever happens)
Thursday, 12 January 2012
12.01.12
Finally can afford to book in with the GP that was recommended to me due to his interest in adult ADHD. It's quite an expensive appointment for a GP which is why I've had to wait until pay day.. If I get referred onto a psych I'll have to wait another month to see him/her.. Damn the frustrations of money! But anyway, I'm glad it's booked.
Today = hyper hyper, ugh.
Today = hyper hyper, ugh.
Saturday, 7 January 2012
alcohol.
My biggest weakness.
Usually I use it to put me to sleep, put me out of my hyperactive state.. I don't like to admit it, but I do this far too often. But on occasion it makes me far more hyperactive than normal, and I feel like everything's on the run, it's fun, until it all comes crashing down. What does this mean? I don't know, but I'm certainly making a misery out of my life right now. I hope that I can find someone to help me. For the past 3 years I've finally found exactly what is wrong with me, but now I struggle to find someone to help me, whilst those around me doubt my intentions, it's very upsetting and makes life extremely difficult and disheartening. It would be nice to have people take me seriously and realise that I might just know what I'm on about.
I've made life difficult for myself but I at least look it dead in the face and fight it every step of the way.
Usually I use it to put me to sleep, put me out of my hyperactive state.. I don't like to admit it, but I do this far too often. But on occasion it makes me far more hyperactive than normal, and I feel like everything's on the run, it's fun, until it all comes crashing down. What does this mean? I don't know, but I'm certainly making a misery out of my life right now. I hope that I can find someone to help me. For the past 3 years I've finally found exactly what is wrong with me, but now I struggle to find someone to help me, whilst those around me doubt my intentions, it's very upsetting and makes life extremely difficult and disheartening. It would be nice to have people take me seriously and realise that I might just know what I'm on about.
I've made life difficult for myself but I at least look it dead in the face and fight it every step of the way.
Thursday, 5 January 2012
05.01.11
I got my "referral" today in the mail. It was pretty disheartening, made me feel similar to how i felt when i walked out of his assessment. Basically told me that i showed many symptoms of adult ADHD but he didn't see any symptoms from when i was under 7.. strange, he didn't even ask me about my life when i was young, so how could he know that? It then repeats his concern with prescribing adults with psychostimulants but ends with wishing me all the best in finding a psychiatrist who will treat my disorder. LAME. Ugh. He infuriates me so much.
In happier news, R and i have been getting along famously. It's a pleasant change after the stressful month known as "Christmas". I look forward to seeing him all day and can't stop thinking about him and smiling. He even sends me texts and calls at lunch. It's lovely. :)
Tomorrow night we're staying in and watching movies. We've had the spare bed set up in the lounge since the stupidly hot days over new years so we can snuggle up on it and watch them. :)
Happy Thursday night peeps!
In happier news, R and i have been getting along famously. It's a pleasant change after the stressful month known as "Christmas". I look forward to seeing him all day and can't stop thinking about him and smiling. He even sends me texts and calls at lunch. It's lovely. :)
Tomorrow night we're staying in and watching movies. We've had the spare bed set up in the lounge since the stupidly hot days over new years so we can snuggle up on it and watch them. :)
Happy Thursday night peeps!
Monday, 2 January 2012
2012
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
It has been a busy few weeks since i was last able to update this thing.
Just had a look and i'm not sure why but my last entry is actually an old one, so please excuse that.
After feeling the disappointment of the psychiatric assessment, i decided to do my own research and attempt to find a doctor that would help me. I googled around for a bit until i found a support group for people in Melbourne. The people on there meet up once a month and they all have some great ideas on how to live with our condition. From what i've seen, they all agree that medication is necessary in most cases, but treatment shouldn't end there. So while i persue the doctor avenue, i am trying a variety of other things to help me cope. I have started writing everything down that i need to do and slowly, but surely, i can tick it off. That said, i haven't ticked anything off just yet, but at least i did the writing it down part. :P
Went to see someone i met through the support group last week and he gave me the name of a GP to see and two possible psychs to try and get referrals for. Was refreshing to speak to someone with a clue and it's inspiring to hear what he's trying to do for people like me.
Went to see someone i met through the support group last week and he gave me the name of a GP to see and two possible psychs to try and get referrals for. Was refreshing to speak to someone with a clue and it's inspiring to hear what he's trying to do for people like me.
One big thing that i want to achieve this year is to cut back on beer and start exercising. I say this with a grain of salt because i have failed at this many times before. I will start off small and go from there.
Another thing i want to do is to write up a cleaning/chore roster (it's on my list of things to do!). I am sick of the house being a pigsty and R not doing anything to help me. I think this will be a great way for BOTH OF US to keep on top of things since we're probably as bad as each other.
Backtracking a bit, Christmas was lovely. Spent Christmas Eve Eve at my parents having an early Christmas due to my sister, her husband and their twins going to New Zealand the following day. We were meant to have it at their house but Dad has had complications after an operation and had to go back into hospital on the Thursday. Thankfully his operation was postponed and he was able to come home for our early Christmas. We got there and jumped straight in the pool, it was god damn hot! Then ate dinner with the fam. All the siblings/partners/children were there except for my older sister and her daughter because they live in Queensland and couldn't make it down. Had a great time but fell asleep on the couch rather early. R and my brother S kept the party alive until midnightish, R and i stayed in my little sisters room and she slept on the couch. Went home in the morning, got everything ready to go away and then i drove to Sale. Spent the night at R's Mums house, caught up with his sister S whom we hadn't really seen much of since she got back from England a few months back. Played a game of "Sorry" and then went to bed rather early. Had Christmas lunch at his Mum's and then drove out to Briagalong (middle of no where...) to see his Dad. By now there was a serious storm brewing. Melbourne had recieved massive hail stones that destroyed cars.. it is safe to say that i was extremely stressed about my poor baby boy J. We had to leave him at home for 2 whole night. My sister K was coming to feed him later in the night but until i knew he was safe, i couldn't relax. R got his Aunty to check on him since she lives around the corner. He was fine, just a bit hungry, so she fed him for us. :)
Left his Dad's the next morning with R driving. I was exhausted but not as homesick and i normally get, which is a big step up i suppose.
Left his Dad's the next morning with R driving. I was exhausted but not as homesick and i normally get, which is a big step up i suppose.
Had everyone over for a BBQ on Boxing Day, our friend C was over from Perth so it was a great excuse to catch up. Everyone stayed and i had an awesome time, hope everyone else did too. :)
R and i both had to work between Christmas and New Years, something we hadn't done before, LAME! Work was busy and stressful, i am so not dealing well with it at the moment.
New Years was spent at a friend's house in Berwick. They have a pool, BBQ and eskys so it was a lovely evening spent swimming, drinking and eating. Fell asleep around 4am, woke up at 10am with bacon and eggs waiting for me. Had another swim and accidentally fell asleep again shortly after lunch. Woke up at 5pm, went upstairs, and accidentally fell asleep yet again.. haha. Woke up 7:30pm and R and i went home. All that sleeping had left me wide awake so i spent last night bored. Fell asleep around midnight and slept until almost midday today! I must have been tired.
Hoping that this week is better at work, my brain is about to explode from all the stress that it's giving me lately.
Hope you all had a wonderful festive season.
Over and out. <3
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