greek style lamb backstraps.

are delicious. 

Seen here with cos lettuce; tomato; cheese; onion; mustard and mayo on a parmesan sub roll.
I could only eat half, saved the rest for tomorrow. speaking of which, huge day. First day at my new job.. Not feeling nervous like i thought i would be, but not looking forward to it either.. I'm sure i'll enjoy it once i'm there.

I don't remember if i wrote about my last psych visit or not.. It was a little overwhelming, so much so that she ended it early and let me leave. I was glad.. My chest hurt from being so anxious and i just wanted to cry. I don't know why, but it sucked.. I go back on the 9th. She is thinking of putting me on an anti depressant/anti anxiety but i don't want to because i know i'm not depressed. She said something about a personality disorder, i don't think i have one of those either, in fact, i know what i have, but how do i tell that to someone who is trained to know what's wrong with me? Anyway.. i've got 10 more sessions to go. *sigh*

tulips.

That my lovely fiancé bought me :)

31.07.11 V2.0

Ahh the sun is still out, how lucky are we?

Made pancakes for breakfast, they were from a pancake parlour mix, pretty good, not sure if i like them better than the standard mix ones i normally make. While everyone was out of the house i cleaned the showers (they were ultimate feral), our toilet and did a heap of washing. The place is STARTING to look okay but i'm still no where near satisfied.. i don't think i will be until i live in a newish house with freshly painted walls and lovely clean carpet. For now i guess i just have to try and live with it and stop worrying so much.
Definitely need to clean the dog and the fish tank.. the dog is rank and the fishtank isn't much better.. ahh, knew i shouldnt have had a beer, it's taken away a lot of my motivation :( CBF with the washing, it's my number 1 arch nemesis.. i don't mind putting it on to wash or hanging it out, i just HATE folding and hanging! boooo!

Really loving Gotye at the moment, i have a feeling that his latest track with Kimbra, "somebody that i used to know" will be top 10 in the hottest 100 of 2011, perhaps even #1?
Music hasn't been a very big part of my life lately like it normally is, hoping the change that, just need a bit of inspiration.

I'm so sleepy, how could i be sleepy after sleeping for 14 hours? God damn, nap time perhaps, mm.

31.07.11

Sunday. The last day of my 5 day weekend.. and i don't feel like i accomplished a lot, which sucks.. or maybe i'm just too hard on myself? I've done most of the washing, but i still need to fold and hang it up, perhaps that should be my major goal?

It's beautiful outside so that's a bonus. R is helping a friend move house and when he gets back, i'd like to have lunch in the sunshine. :)

I can't wait for summer.

that's definitely something we have in common.

and i hope that this is okay.

26.07.11 10:35pm

today has ended well. thankfully.

26.07.11

"Don't expect what you dont give."


Perfect quote for how i'm feeling today.. Sometimes it just all gets a bit much and you get sick of putting others in front of yourself all the time, today was one of those days.


Years ago i lost a whole lot of friends, in hind site, it was great because they were terrible, but one thing i learnt from it, was that constant negativity ends in people getting annoyed, and in my case, left me virtually friendless. I didn't actually realise that i was negative all the time until after they pointed it out, but by then, they were already gone. I probably have more issues in my life right now than the average person, and definitely more than i used to, but i strive to not let that interfere with how i interact with people because i don't want to annoy them and risk loosing any more friendships. It's difficult, don't get me wrong, i have days when i want to smash everything around me and scream at anyone that tries to talk to me, and they happen often, but i like to think that i'm pretty good at disguising that because it's not fair to put that on the people around me, especially when they're trying to help, or being nice. So i will not feel guilty about being upset that someone else constantly does this to me, because i try so hard to make them feel better and all i feel like i get in return is negativity and no compassion or interest regarding my own issues. And for the record, my feelings get hurt every time you completely ignore what I'm saying or snap back at me, which is often, far too often.


On top of this, i am having a really bad day. It's my last day and i feel strange about it. This morning i felt really claustrophobic on the train and not much better on the bus. I've asked R to pick me up after work and he's agreed, which is lovely, he's amazing <3 I don't know what i'd do without him, i guess that's why i'm marrying him! :)


Can't wait to spend the next few days at home relaxing and getting my head together before i start the new job. Over and out.

can't.sleep.

I just want to feel better, mentally and physically, something has to change. Doctor on Wednesday, actually looking forward to seeing her.

25.07.11

Saturday wasn't filled with cleaning and washing unfortunately, i'd forgotten that C's birthday party was starting during the day so i had to quickly shower and get ready to go, when i say quickly, i mean slowly, because i didn't rush. ;p

Bought cute birthday cards and a cake with heaps of chocolate bars to stick into it:

Had a good time despite it being really chilled out compared to normal. They had a daytime party because the neighbours have reported them to the council and the cops for noise complaints so they turned it off at midnight. Came home on Sunday, chilled out for the day, ate a steak, had some painkillers and went to sleep.

Woke up during the night with massive stomach cramps and didn't get much sleep. In the morning i had a shower and walking back to my room i almost fainted, i was so dizzy, went into the bathroom and vomed so hard, it was painful. Layed down on my bed and i couldn't get up. Called in sick to work, felt terrible because it's my second last day there and i've had several days off in the past 2 weeks, but there was absolutely no way i could have gone. Fell asleep until about 4pm, felt much better afterwards but was definitely lacking energy still. Don't know if it was food poisoning, lack of sleep, codeine or a combination of the 3, but i'm glad it's over.

Tomorrow is my last day at my current job, not looking forward to it.. can't say i'll miss the place, but i'm definitely worried about my frame of mind going into a new one. I'm not excited about starting at the new place and i don't quite understand that because normally i am.

In other news, i want to paint the cupboard doors and window sills in the kitchen to make it look cleaner, might do it on my days off this week. Also want to start looking at purchasing old school camera equipment and setting up my enlarger in the shed and making a dark room in there, would be awesome and relatively easy/cheap since i already own the expensive stuff. Need some more hobbies for sure.

And now i've got some bags of clothes to go through thanks to E for bringing them over. :)

23.07.11

Yesterday i took the train after work straight to my sister B's house, apparently i was meant to come later and it was meant to be a surprise engagement party for R and I, oops! Hahaha, they didn't mind. Mostly i wanted to go early because i wanted to play with F & H, they're B's 8 month old twins and i <3 them so much! They were very cute, as always. :) F was in her jolly jumper, it made her look like she was trying to do ballet, so funny.

They're the most well behaved babies i've ever been around, they rarely cry and they're always so happy and chirpy.

Dinner went well, my brother and oldest sister (i have 4 sisters) couldn't make it, but the rest did. B made moroccan chicken and it was delicious! We had mini lemon meringue pies with ice cream for desert, mmm!

Came home and virtually went straight to bed, we were exhausted. 

Slept until 9am, i still feel tired but i don't think i could sleep anymore. We wanted to go out for crepes for breakfast but we're waiting on money to come through from someone which i think will mean we'll starve this weekend because i have a feeling it won't come through until next week, lol.

In happier news, i did my tax and i get a fair bit back! 2/3 of it will go back to someone i lent money off, but the other 1/3 will go on new clothes.. it's been a long time since i've bought new clothes so i'm happy about that. :)

Looking forward to a day filled with cleaning and relaxing in the arvo with some beers and hopefully the sun comes out to enjoy them in.

21.07.11 pm

Hello hyperactivity.. please eff off to where you came from.

lunch.

Mmm turkey, avocado and spinach sandwich, thanks to D for taking me to the supermarket to pick up a few things. I felt like an old person, like when we would pick my Nanna up and take her shopping and then drop her home. The reason for my being immobile, is that my car is currently defected, I need new tyres and I'm not getting them until next week. And now to do the washing.

21.07.11

The boys have been sick over the past few days and it seems that today is my day to feel le crap. That said, after a big sleep in this morning, i am feeling much better than i was.. Normally i would be feeling guilty for taking a day off, but i had about 8 sick days left when i handed in my resignation so i might as well make the most of it. :P

Today i will at least set myself some housework tasks, and lets hope that i can stick to them:

               - Fold The Washing

               - Wash/Dry/Straighten My Hair

               - Tidy The Entire House

               - Clean The Bathrom

giant.george

so. big.

20.07.11

Oops, must remember to blog!

The weekend was pretty massive, and for the first time in a long time, i can honestly say that i enjoyed every minute of it. Friday night we went to our friends house, nicknamed the P, hung around for a few hours catching up as we hadn't seen them much lately, came home and hung with the housemates some more.

Saturday was spent being pretty lazy, not my plan, but oh well.. Saturday night we went back to the P for one of the residents birthdays. Had a great time! They set up the front room with games like twister and i took my scrapbooking stuff and made the birthday boy a pretty birthday card thingy. Had a very odd experience in the last few hours of the weekend.. fun, but very odd! Was glad to be home.

Have been mentally drained the past few days, took a day off and just slept. So yeah, i'm mentally and physically drained, just want to take the rest of the week off. BOO. Wish i could.. Although I am feeling pretty sick and tired so if I'm still feeling ill tomorrow i'll definitely take it off.. fuck them.. i've got 4 working days left until a 5 day weekend and then i start my new job. :)

19.07.11

I am far too mentally drained to write a blog right now so here are some photos. The first two are last nights dinner and the third is the awesome cute wrapping i received a dress in from ebay! it made my day :)

Couldn't get the damn things to rotate :(

(meant to be) 14.07.11

I forgot to blog yesterday which wouldn't have mattered except that I took photos for it specially! My sister K came over for dinner, I cooked her carbonara, she said she was full but then she ate the entire lot! Apparently it was good, I love compliments, shallow? Yes, completely! Don't care. :)
We watched Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 1.. Normally I struggle through movies but I loved every minute of it! I only got distracted a handful of times which is very rare for me, now I desperately want to see part 2!

Yesterday (prior to leaving work) was hell! I'd only had 4 hours sleep yet I wasn't tired, it felt like my hyperactivity was peaking which soon turned into stress/anxiety. The other staff in my office went home so I was left by myself to do everything and I didn't feel like I was coping. I felt like my desk was so cluttered and no matter how well I arranged things, it was still closing in on me. R called and I spent the entire call pacing up and down a straight line on the ground because it made me feel more in control.. Sounds crazy! But it helped.. The breathing exercise I was told to do by my doctor made me feel worse because I kept loosing my count and feeling like an idiot for not being able to count to 4, 4 times. Anyway, once work finished, I got the bus into the city and wasn't really prepared for the train station.. I'd forgotten how hectic it is at 5:30pm.. Just tried to focus on my music and getting to my platform.. Even though I've been there so often, I always have a few moments of panic that I'm on the wrong platform and then subsequently, on the wrong train.. Hasn't ever happened however. R was waiting for me right outside the train and from that moment, all my panic and stress was gone :) it's amazing how quickly his presence can change my outlook.

Any so now that you all have an insight into my crazy side, heres a picture of last nights dinner, yum!

13.07.11 v2

So today i didn't go to work.. i had a doctors appointment and i wasn't quite in the right frame of mind to go. The "doctor" is more a "head doctor" that costs a lot.. sooo kept getting messages from people at work annoying me about work.. can't they just learn to do things for themselves? Anyway, got up at about 11am, had a shower and such, went to the supermarket to get a beer coupon, went to the bottle-o and got a slab of Peroni's for $29.95, yay for coupons. Got the train to the city, got a new bar for my monroe piercing, then got another train to the doctor place thingy. Was ANXIOUS as hell, met C my head doctor lady, she was a bit intimidating at first, but i think i relaxed by the end.. although i had to admit a lot of confronting things the whole session.. Guess that's to be expected for the first one, she wants to know as much as possible. In the end she gave me some breathing exercises and booked me in for my second session in 2 weeks.. but then i realised that it coincides with my last day of work so going to have to reschedule. Anyway, i don't think that simply talking about problems and doing breathing exercises fixes anything, but i'll give it a go.. she said that if i don't think it's working for me, i can request to see a different sort of specialist and i get 12 sessions between now and the end of the year to play with. Will see how the next few sessions go.

This worries me a lot:

70+ is supposedly an indication of adult ADD and i scored 105. I've thought i had it for years anyway, just difficult to bring myself to face it. This is pretty confronting, but it helps because it's a blog and even though i know that people i know in real life read this, for some reason i don't really care.

To change the subject completely.. really looking forward to the TV show Slide, mostly i'm drawn in by the song on the ad.. haha.

And now for a beer and then hopefully bed..

13.07.11

My boys. <3

12.07.11

Nothing much exciting to report about today.. took the train + bus to work, it was effing freezing in the city, got to work early, got everything done in about an hour.. was bored for the rest of the day. Got the bus + train home, R picked me up, went shopping, cooked thai green curry and here we are. Oh, and we got beer called LUCKY BEER and it's shaped like a buddah, tastes like carlsberg. Shiet photos but they are below :)

11.07.11

I kept waking up through the night with an aching leg and i had the worst sleep, in the morning i texted my manager telling him i wasn't going to be in and he said i had to because they were 1 person down. Told him i'd be in at 12 because i needed more sleep. Got there and there was NOTHING to do.. i was so freaking bored, it was pointless me being there. Biggest waste of 5 hours ever.

Went to Mum & Dad's after work for dinner, it was Mum's birthday. Had a a BBQ with chicken skewers and a delicious pear and cous cous salad. Was the first time i'd seen my family since the engagement so there was lots of congratulations and such which is always lovely :)
We got Mum an outdoor lounge chair as a combined gift, she said she'd always wanted one but it was never the sort of thing she'd buy for herself.. and now they have a pool to enjoy it by! They moved house on the weekend and it's gigantic! It's a huge rectangle and the owners pay for the upkeep.. it's also solar heated which means we can enjoy it before summer really kicks in, can't wait! :)

Didn't get to see my sisters twins for long, they were asleep so i only got to wake them up just before they were leaving. I had F and Mum had H, they're so cute i could eat them all up. :)

Speaking of my sister, she asked who would be my bridesmaids.. well, i've got 4 sisters and they all want to be it!! Lol.. no idea.

So a boring day led into an enjoyable night, and now i'm exhausted, can't wait for bed.

Night.

10.07.11

Today's Challenges;
(not sure how many of them will actually be completed)

    - Clean Inside Of Car
    - Wash All Things That Need To Be Washed
    - Fold Clothes & Put Away
    - Clean The Spare Room (this is the one i want to get done the most, but also the most difficult)
    - Root R's Phone

09.07.11

First entries are always annoying to write so i'm going to keep this short and sweet.

24.
Live with my boyfriend, sorry, recently became my fiancé, R, our dog J, and our housemate D in the outer eastern suburbs of Melbourne.
I work in customer service, leaving one place soon and starting another.
I have many passions and loves but can't seem to find a great headspace, hopefully this can change.

For those who are interested, I've also made a separate blog for the ideas and planning for my upcoming engagement party and future "wedding".
i put the word "wedding" in quotation marks because it still feels really bizarre that it's all happening.. a good sort of bizarre :)
You can find it here;