Thursday, 27 October 2011
Tuesday, 18 October 2011
Monday, 17 October 2011
Sunday, 16 October 2011
16.10.11
Do you ever want to just die?
I have had this thought many times before but not for at least a year.. I would never do it, but the thought is strangely implanted in me and it doesn't scare me anymore.
When you're in debt as much as we are, life seems so hopeless sometimes.
R and J make me happy though, I need hugs.
I have had this thought many times before but not for at least a year.. I would never do it, but the thought is strangely implanted in me and it doesn't scare me anymore.
When you're in debt as much as we are, life seems so hopeless sometimes.
R and J make me happy though, I need hugs.
Friday, 14 October 2011
14.10.11
I am totally frustrated right now and i can't explain it.
Basically i know my issues, i've known for many many years, but i'm not willing to share them completely with my doctor, and i hate others trying to out do me on it when i was the one who expressed my concerns on it in the first place. And i hate when people question me on it, I think I know myself more than them. I don't think that makes sense, but i am quite tipsy. But anyway, it annoys me. Why am i any less? I think this is just part of the condition, I think way too much about what others think of me. Even when I'm driving I wonder what the people around me think of my driving. I hate when I change lanes because I think it's the fastest route and then my original lane goes quicker, I feel like everyone is laughing at me for making a poor choice. I think way too much and into things. Ugh.
I want to get wasted but we are saving money.
I don't feel stable without it.
Basically i know my issues, i've known for many many years, but i'm not willing to share them completely with my doctor, and i hate others trying to out do me on it when i was the one who expressed my concerns on it in the first place. And i hate when people question me on it, I think I know myself more than them. I don't think that makes sense, but i am quite tipsy. But anyway, it annoys me. Why am i any less? I think this is just part of the condition, I think way too much about what others think of me. Even when I'm driving I wonder what the people around me think of my driving. I hate when I change lanes because I think it's the fastest route and then my original lane goes quicker, I feel like everyone is laughing at me for making a poor choice. I think way too much and into things. Ugh.
I want to get wasted but we are saving money.
I don't feel stable without it.
Sunday, 9 October 2011
09.10.11
Don't you find it really really annoying when you're wide awake but it's getting late and you want to be sleepy but your partner is snoring really really loud next to you??! I get so angry and yell at him and kick him but I suppose that it's not really his fault.
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
04.10.11
I took a day off today because i had an appointment with my psych at 1pm.
Woke up at about 9am, lazed about but got up and had a shower and washed my hair soon after. Was almost late, as per usual. Felt like my session was pretty average. She thought i'd improved because i hadn't had a psychotic outburst in a month, but i don't feel like that at all. I feel totally unorganised and messy and dirty and horrible right now. She thinks that because i handled ONE moment that could have turned bad, that i can handle them all, but what she doesn't understand is that I'M NOT HANDLING IT. I'm not handling much at the moment. My house is a pigsty, i feel like my managers are doubting my ability, i keep talking too much, i say stupid things, i can't get anything done, i don't finish anything that i start, i'm always late, i'm always letting everyone around me down, i haven't even done my engagement invitations and it's in 1 month and 1 day. i am so annoyed at myself.
She keeps telling me she'll get my evaluated by a psychiatrist but now she tells me i have to wait for my 6th session which is the next one, not happening until after the party.. so for now i just have to keep writing in my stupid diary and try to control myself. i have to learn to be "mindful" so that i can control my actions BUT THAT DOESN'T WORK. i'm actually totally frustrated after todays session, she makes me angry sometimes and i haven't learnt anything!!!
Gah.
Fuck the world right now.
Woke up at about 9am, lazed about but got up and had a shower and washed my hair soon after. Was almost late, as per usual. Felt like my session was pretty average. She thought i'd improved because i hadn't had a psychotic outburst in a month, but i don't feel like that at all. I feel totally unorganised and messy and dirty and horrible right now. She thinks that because i handled ONE moment that could have turned bad, that i can handle them all, but what she doesn't understand is that I'M NOT HANDLING IT. I'm not handling much at the moment. My house is a pigsty, i feel like my managers are doubting my ability, i keep talking too much, i say stupid things, i can't get anything done, i don't finish anything that i start, i'm always late, i'm always letting everyone around me down, i haven't even done my engagement invitations and it's in 1 month and 1 day. i am so annoyed at myself.
She keeps telling me she'll get my evaluated by a psychiatrist but now she tells me i have to wait for my 6th session which is the next one, not happening until after the party.. so for now i just have to keep writing in my stupid diary and try to control myself. i have to learn to be "mindful" so that i can control my actions BUT THAT DOESN'T WORK. i'm actually totally frustrated after todays session, she makes me angry sometimes and i haven't learnt anything!!!
Gah.
Fuck the world right now.
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