J playing dead, kinda.

snore.

23.08.11

It's been a long time between posts, oops!

So what's happened?

Well work is busy busy busy.. i've been moved into the support team which is kind of a step up without the pay benefit. I took a day off today which i feel totally guilty about but in my defense, i've got a REALLY sore head :(

There's a big war going on between one of my friends groups and it's all simply doing my head in. I've stood back for the most part but now we're being dragged into it.. I really just WANT EVERYONE TO GET ALONG. And failing that, people who don't like each other, should just fuck off! Today i've told one of the parties that i want nothing to do with them.. Hopefully that's the end of it.

In other news, i just did R's tax and he gets back quite a bit! It's going to be a relief being able to pay off our TV/PS3, pay off a few people and be back on top. Add to that that R is going north to work for a month and we'll be able to save a lot of money! Hopefully we'll have enough for our engagement and our flights to the west. Just really want to escape this town right now, start fresh, get away from all the drama. I have enough issues without having to deal with everyone elses.

Speaking of which, my anger is still a huge issue. Doctor next week but don't know if we can afford it at this point. I get most of it back but i still have to pay it up front and i have to pay for my last session too.. Might have to postpone it until the week after? Don't know how much it's going to cost to be assessed, hopefully not too expensive. Being that it's through the same government program, i'd say it will be a big up front fee with a big rebate, fingers crossed.

Things have been great between R and i which is thankfully something positive in my life. We've also cut back on luxuries to buy things like clothes and shoes that we so desperately needed! Feels nice. :)

Cutting this short because my head is aching!!

16.08.11

Things are totally fucked right now and it's messing with my head.. I'm not actually directly involved but i am stuck in the middle. I can't go into things on here but i just wish i could fix things.. UGH.

Look at this instead:

http://s-omethingborrowed-s-omethingblue.blogspot.com/2011/08/straws.html

hectic.

Life is totally hectic right now.. There are not enough hours in the day. I want to blog/social network but I can't seem to find the time or the motivation to dedicate to it right now. Apologies, hopefully by the weekend things will be more settled.

le hole.

Le hole that I kicked in.. Oops! This is why I need to see a head doctor.. Don't worry, I'm only violent to walls and widows and inanimate objects, not people or animals.

J.

My lover boy. :)

Lovely weather for the weekend!

this weekend.

Things I would like to achieve this weekend:

- the dreaded clothes
- write our engagement invite list
- buy the paper for out engagement invites
- fix the window in the lounge room
- fix the hole in the spare room
- clean the carpets
- begin on the garden

11.08.11

i find the majority of inspirational quotes to be lame and kind of chad (no offense), yet i love quoting song lyrics. I guess this makes me a complete hypocrite.

So tired, this is a nice feeling.

Goodnight. :)

morning.

Good morning my little donut staffy

09.08.11

Gah i am SUCH a procrastinator, been meaning to write on this thing for days, and Sunday night isn't included because i'd originally wrote that for something else.

Rewind to the weekend.

Friday night we visited my sister B and her husband, also B, and their girls, H & F. My other sister K and her boyfriend T were there too. We had enchiladas and played with the girls before they went to bed, it was lovely. :)

Went home and found visitors in the house but i was ridiculously tired so i went to bed.

Actually, that reminds me.. The Thursday night before the weekend, R and i had a massive fight which ended in me smashing stuff in the spare room and smashing a huge hole in the wall.. This was at 3am. Oh, and i tried to drive away but R was behind the car with his heels dug into the ground pushing with all his strength against my car. He is a gem, he puts up with so much from me and my psychotic behaviour.. hopefully we can start to fix this soon.

Saturday morning i woke early, the rest of the household had had a big night so i tip toed around and did some housework and ended with making R bacon and eggs for breakfast. Started the big drive to the country to go to R's Dad's Wife's 60th birthday. Sooo the car spun out before we even left out shire, hahaha! Lucky it was in slow motion, R wasn't even driving like a maniac, but he did have different tyres put on the day before and he thinks they were put on wrong which is what caused the lack of grip. Another plus is that it happened slowly and R is a great driver! It poured with rain for the majority of the way so that also meant aquaplaning it down the highway. Scary!

Hung around at the party for many hours and then headed to one of R's friends house. Actually had a lovely time despite getting stuck on writing a cover letter and resume for someone.. i swear i spent 5-6 hours on this thing. It was marvelous! I love when i can focus my attention.

Which brings me to today.

I finally got my own desk and computer at work, although it's not the spot i'm going to be in permanently, it definitely was a big step up from having to sit behind people and listen in to their calls.. I set myself up with 3 different projects and worked on them for a small amount of time each, and then repeated. That's how i work, if i only have 1 thing to do i feel restless and useless and it leads me to being VERY bored and agitated.

I left early because i had a docor appointment at 4pm. Got there and waited and waited and waited. My psychologist, C, came out and told me that she was dealing with a crisis and if i could wait, i could see her afterwards. I didn't mind waiting, but it did make me more nervous. I'd picked today as the day to speak openly about what i thought was wrong with me.

I explained the anger outbursts and after about half an hour of talking, she asked what i thought was wrong with me and when i said, "ADD" she was virtually like, "Oh my god, how did i miss that? You have all the symptoms blah blah blah." Basically, i have to try the breathing exercises and if they don't work in 3 weeks time, i'll have to be booked for a psychiatric assessment for ADD. Good to know that all those years of her study and training and all the money i'm spending, i had to tell her what's wrong with me.

Oh well.

I'm actually tired right now, finally. Bed time :)

I am far too drained to document the past few days so instead i will copy and paste something i wrote about a topic very close to my heart. The background to this post is that America Pit Bull Terriers are "restricted" in Australia, basically that means that you must desex them and it's illegal to breed/sell them. This is just a fancy term for a ban, once they die out, the breed is erraticated from the country, in theory of course. This has led to countless backyard breeding of "purebred APBT" and they're sold through FB groups or through dodgy advertising that alludes to the breed without disclosing it. From what i've seen, the majority of these pups are not purebreeds, they've clearly been selectively crossed with bigger breeds to try and attract more money. Buying a dog underground doesn't seem like the sort of thing many people would do unless they had ulterior motives for needing to own an APBT when the American Staffordshire Terrier is virtually the same breed, and is still LEGAL! I'm not inferring that they're being sold for use in dog fighting, that's a very rare practice in this country, but they're definitely being marketed for their BIG TOUGH appearance by the people who're selling them, which points to a more likely reason of people wanting them as a status symbol. By definition, the APBT is lighter than the AST, usually no more than 30-35kg, they're not as wide although just as strong, and often taller and have a higher agility level.. the dogs being sold as purebreed APBT are 60-70kg and often have bulldog bred through to give them bigger muscle size. How does one sell a dog as a purebreed when it's illegal to breed them? How do you provide papers to people paying up to $2000 a puppy? People are being ripped off for a mutt and the "breeders" are destroying a breed BASED ON THEIR OWN GREED. It makes me sick and well, here we go, here's ANOTHER rant, i posted this on the wall of a group used mostly for advertising litters for sale, it's only a matter of time before it's deleted:

 Personally i think it's irresponsible to breed and sell "APBT" where you are all well aware that they are illegal and in some states can be seized and ultimately put down. Secondly, this leads to the problem of being able to PROVE that the dog you are selling them is of APBT line 100%.. This is very difficult to do if you're breeding a dog illegally. Thirdly, PERSONALLY in MY OPINION, AST and APBT are so similar that DNA testing cannot distinguish them from one another, they're also so mixed up and often "tainted" with other breeds due to the allowance of duel registration and backyard breeders faking parentage to sell pups at a higher price and to try and create bigger, stronger dogs that can be passed off as purebreeds. AST is RARE in the US, i don't think this is actually the case, more likely is that the APBT has the notoriety that a percentage of the people who own these dogs, want to associate themselves with, so they recognise their dog as a pitbull no matter what bloodlines they've come from. There is no denying that the APBT show lines vary from club to club, the ADBD standard is closer to what I perceive as an APBT, and the UKC and ABKC standards are definitely more AST looking.. All of this aside, they're all recognised as APBT and if they're accepting AST as APBT, what gives everyone the right to abuse someone else of doing it the opposite way?
This argument could go on for ever, everyone has their own opinions on what the truth behind all of this really is, but at the end of the day, fighting and abusing each other about it is going to do nothing for the breed/s.
PERSONALLY i believe that it is safer to identify both of these breeds as AST in Australia and fight to end BSL. I have no doubt in my mind that the government will (and is trying to) push for the official ban of the AST and they will get their own way eventually.
If you want to get technical, "APBT" AND "pitbull" are on the restricted dog list in Australia, and unless you can explain how this doesn't umbrella the AST onto the list, we're virtually on borrowed time until they start enforcing this wider restriction.

Before the abuse against me starts, i'd like to clarify that this is MY OPINON that i have formed ON MY OWN MERIT after hours upon hours of research. I do not breed dogs, i am not a dog expert, i am not a person who thinks an APBT is better than an AST, i am not a purebreed NAZI. I am just the owner of a lovely 5 year old "pitbull", i don't know his ancestory, i don't care if he's either or a mix, but I do know that i love him more than life itself and i would be absolutely heartbroken if anyone took him away from me.

What gets me the most is that all of these arguments are forgetting one small detail, behind the bickering are hundreds of thousands of babies wanting to be loved no matter who their great great great great great grandmother and grandfather were. THEY DON'T CARE ONE LITTLE BIT! They only care about YOU and ME and all they ask in return for their love, is for you to fight for their futures, rather than their bloodlines.

What is the point of constant bickering amongst the people who claim to love them the most, if there is no "them" to argue over anymore?

04.08.11

I need to see my doctor, as much as i pretend, i'm not in a good place.. Spending 4 days straight doing nothing of importance has fried my brain, ugh. So many times i've wanted to jump in and stop what the person i was "learning from" was doing but i held back.. i did jump in a few times and i didnt want to seem like a know it all but i fixed problems so that is that.. they were simple fixes TBH but people just didnt see it? Odd. And now i'm drunk and feel like shit.. Can't see my psych until Tuesday.. wish i could reschedule but i've just started a new job. UGH.

.

.

hearts a mess.

Pick apart
The pieces of your heart
And let me peer inside
Let me in
Where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind
As you do mine

You have lost
(Too much love)
To fear, doubt and distrust
(It’s not enough)
You just threw away the key
(To your heart)

You don’t get burned
(’Cause nothing gets through)
It makes it easier
(Easier on you)
But that much more difficult for me
To make you see…

Love ain’t fair
So there you are
My love

Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect
And you, you can’t live like this

Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect
And you, you can’t live like this

Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect
And you, you can’t live like this

Love ain’t safe
You won’t get hurt if you stay chaste
So you can wait
But I don’t wanna waste my love

F jumping on H.

hehehe

H & F.

I cannot express how much i love my little baby nieces, identical twins H & F, ages 8 months. They're effing adorable! They're the happiest babies i've ever met, and trust me, i've been around a LOT of babies. I don't understand how they're always so happy and content but i don't mind because i LOVE LOVE them :)

sleep.

Every night i get to about now and wish that i slept like a normal person instead of being awake until stupid hours and sleeping for 5 hours. That being said, i rarely get sleepy. Thankfully.

chicken korma.

The ingredients for the paste.

The paste.

Cooking.

The finished product. Probably one of the best meals i' ve ever cooked, quite delicious. :)

dogs.

i love all things to do with dogs.. providing the dogs are big muscley misunderstood breeds :P
saw this one today, LOVE IT, i love pit bulls (like my baby boy Jai) and anything to do with them. i could go on forever about them so i won't.

http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/doguebrasileiro.htm

me.

What are my disappointments?
Myself, my debt, my schooling, my lack of self control.

What are my stresses?
That we'll be in debt forever, that we'll never make it to WA, that we'll never be able to afford our wedding.

What are my self annoyances?
I get hyperactive, I can't concentrate/focus on one thing at a time, I always need to be doing something or else I feel frustrated, I rush around, I am a perfectionist, I have a short temper, I smash things when I get angry, I am possessive, I speak before I think, I am forgetful, i am always running late, I don't listen when people talk to me, and when I do, I forget what they've just said, I talk over people, I get over excited about things, I fidget, I procrastinate, I am messy but I love things to be clean, I am unreliable, I annoy people and don't take the hint to stop.

I could go on forever..

Dinner number 1:




Dinner number 2:

02.08.11

Day Two: Another day of doing nothing, which SUCKED. I was so bored but at least time went quickly. I don't even have a computer yet, and i have a little bit of apprehension as to whether my position is even necessary anymore.. They were supposed to be closing the WA office which is why i was being hired but in the past 2 weeks, they've decided against that, and now it's staying open, this leaves my job in limbo, they haven't said that yet, but i'm not an idiot. So the super ideal outcome for me in this job, would be to prove myself as a valued team member and then ask for a transfer to WA :P Fingers crossed, hey?

blogs.

Oh hey girls, see how special you are? Now, you'd better remember to update your blogs! :p

for caryn.

This is what my google reader app looks like :)

hangout.