It's been a long time and i have so much going through my head that i'll probably only scrape the surface, but here goes..
Life is a mess.. i look like i'm holding it all together and this is what i want others to see, but really, inside, i have no idea what is going on.. i feel like a tangle of wires, so knotted it's better to throw them all away.
On the surface, my life is heading in a positive direction, we have an excellent money flow and debts are being paid off, slowly but surely ..Yet i feel like i'm stuck in the one spot, a dark, cold spotlight centered on me, i'm screaming so loudly, i feel like i'll explode, yet everyone keeps walking past as if they can't see me, as if everything is okay.
I can't pin point any individual thing that is wrong, in reality i should be happy that we're on track and i'm doing well at work.. but i feel like a loser, a failure.. I have nothing to show for myself and my major weakness is constantly pointed out and highlighted by people i'm meant to consider my friends.. it hurts and it makes me feel uncomfortable and ashamed, when i shouldn't, it doesn't define me.. But then, i let it get to me, so again, i'm the weak one.
So really, nothing major is wrong, but time and time again i have bad thoughts and do bad things.
i often wonder if it's all in my head, am i crazy or do i just think that i am?
I really don't know.
sometimes i just want to leave this world.
Thursday, 28 June 2012
Thursday, 17 May 2012
mice.
Recently we've been over run with the evil little creatures known as mice!
For months they were in the garage which didn't bother me that much because they didn't come inside. After a few days of heavy rain I started noticing our noodle packets had holes in them and there were mice droppings in the cupboard. Whilst this disgusted me, they didn't get into anything else, which was really weird, but we got some plastic snap traps to make sure it stayed that way, We set them with vegemite and peanut butter and didn't get a single mouse. Remembering their love for mi goreng noodles, we put a small piece on eat trap, BHAM, within a few hours we had successfully trapped and (instantly) killed about 8 mice. Over the next few days we only got 1 or 2 more and after doing a thorough clean in the cupboard and the weather getting better, they seemed to be eradicated, from the house at least. The garage was still a popular home for them, i never really went out there so i had no idea just how bad they were becoming. Sitting out there with the boys one day i noticed them running everywhere, it was disgusting! I couldn't believe that R had allowed it to get so bad without telling me or putting traps out there! I set a few and we caught mouse after mouse, but i knew we'd probably never catch them all since they breed so quickly, but so long as they weren't in the house, i didn't care too much.
A few weeks later the rain came back, and so did the mice!
It seemed like it was only a few days from when we noticed them, to when they had overrun our food cupboard.
One night we couldn't stand the noise anymore (we had left it longer than we should have as it was), we threw out almost all of the food in the cupboard, anything that wasn't in a sealed hard plastic container or a glass bottle went. It wasn't until we looked in the very top shelf that we realised the extend of the mini-infestation! It was filled with the usual top shelf items, unopened bills, half packets of straws, serviettes, and all the usual bits and pieces you probably should have thrown out months ago. Everything from that shelf went into the bin, including a pasta maker, no amount of cleaning chemical could make me want to use anything from up there again! The amount of poo was vomit worthy, the smell was revolting!
After cleaning it all out with some pretty hardcore cleaning chemicals, we set up traps and ensured all future food was put into containers before being put in there.
I have become pretty OCD with cleaning the benchtop with commercial grade cleaner sanitiser and rinsing repeatedly, especially after seeing a mouse run across the bench near the oven.. HOWEVER we are still finding mouse poo in the cupboard! There is nothing in there for them to eat anymore so why do they keep coming back??
My dog's ancestors were bred for rat baiting, a sport that came about after dog fighting was outlawed. It involved putting a dog in a ring with rats and seeing how many rats they could catch and kill within a certain amount of time. Yet my dog, big beefy J, sat and watched as mice ran from the kitchen to the lounge. When we had people over one weekend he surprisingly chased one and knocked over a table to try and get to it.. SHOW OFF! Needless to say his big boof head didn't get it, and he hasn't tried since.
We have caught 1 or 2 in traps since but they don't seem to be fooled by those anymore, so today i went on the lookout for smelly things i could spray to deter them.
The first is Peppermint.
Most of information says to dilute peppermint oil with water and spray along areas where they've been known to get in and where they like to hang out. Others say to soak cotton wool in it and place around the house. I could definitely get used to the house smelling like peppermint so when i can get my hands on some, i'm going to peppermint the shit out of the food cupboard and spray near every door and window.
However peppermint oil isn't something you can buy in a supermarket and i'm not really wanting to leave my house right now so it will have to wait until the weekend.
I have a mint plant on the bench which is perhaps why i've never seen any mouse poo on that bench (the one running across it was on the other bench), so i might break off a few sprigs and sprinkle around the cupboard in the meantime.
The second is Ammonia.
I remember my mum using cloudy ammonia around the garden to keep the cats away, i have no idea if it ever worked but i don't ever remember seeing a cat in any of our yards. Apparently it works by tricking the mice into thinking that a bigger predator animal is around and their natural instincts tell them to get the hell out of there and not to come back!
I don't have cloudy ammonia and like i said before, i cannot be bothered leaving the house right now, but i do have an ammoniated cleaner that definitely does have a strong smell because i use it for cleaning and it hurts my lungs. I work for an industrial cleaning chemical company and this is their "APC", more like KILL EVERYTHING SPRAY. So i will try putting a few bottle caps of it in the top of the cupboard and if the smell doesn't drive them away, they'll certainly die from drinking it.. I just don't know how we'll cope with the smell, uuuck.
So if you're still reading this you either don't get grossed out easily or i can make a mice invasion sound really intriguing, either way, i will update in a few days.. if there is no more mouse poo, i know i've done something right! I can guarantee i will find mouse poo within a few hours if it isn't working.
For months they were in the garage which didn't bother me that much because they didn't come inside. After a few days of heavy rain I started noticing our noodle packets had holes in them and there were mice droppings in the cupboard. Whilst this disgusted me, they didn't get into anything else, which was really weird, but we got some plastic snap traps to make sure it stayed that way, We set them with vegemite and peanut butter and didn't get a single mouse. Remembering their love for mi goreng noodles, we put a small piece on eat trap, BHAM, within a few hours we had successfully trapped and (instantly) killed about 8 mice. Over the next few days we only got 1 or 2 more and after doing a thorough clean in the cupboard and the weather getting better, they seemed to be eradicated, from the house at least. The garage was still a popular home for them, i never really went out there so i had no idea just how bad they were becoming. Sitting out there with the boys one day i noticed them running everywhere, it was disgusting! I couldn't believe that R had allowed it to get so bad without telling me or putting traps out there! I set a few and we caught mouse after mouse, but i knew we'd probably never catch them all since they breed so quickly, but so long as they weren't in the house, i didn't care too much.
A few weeks later the rain came back, and so did the mice!
It seemed like it was only a few days from when we noticed them, to when they had overrun our food cupboard.
One night we couldn't stand the noise anymore (we had left it longer than we should have as it was), we threw out almost all of the food in the cupboard, anything that wasn't in a sealed hard plastic container or a glass bottle went. It wasn't until we looked in the very top shelf that we realised the extend of the mini-infestation! It was filled with the usual top shelf items, unopened bills, half packets of straws, serviettes, and all the usual bits and pieces you probably should have thrown out months ago. Everything from that shelf went into the bin, including a pasta maker, no amount of cleaning chemical could make me want to use anything from up there again! The amount of poo was vomit worthy, the smell was revolting!
After cleaning it all out with some pretty hardcore cleaning chemicals, we set up traps and ensured all future food was put into containers before being put in there.
I have become pretty OCD with cleaning the benchtop with commercial grade cleaner sanitiser and rinsing repeatedly, especially after seeing a mouse run across the bench near the oven.. HOWEVER we are still finding mouse poo in the cupboard! There is nothing in there for them to eat anymore so why do they keep coming back??
My dog's ancestors were bred for rat baiting, a sport that came about after dog fighting was outlawed. It involved putting a dog in a ring with rats and seeing how many rats they could catch and kill within a certain amount of time. Yet my dog, big beefy J, sat and watched as mice ran from the kitchen to the lounge. When we had people over one weekend he surprisingly chased one and knocked over a table to try and get to it.. SHOW OFF! Needless to say his big boof head didn't get it, and he hasn't tried since.
We have caught 1 or 2 in traps since but they don't seem to be fooled by those anymore, so today i went on the lookout for smelly things i could spray to deter them.
The first is Peppermint.
Most of information says to dilute peppermint oil with water and spray along areas where they've been known to get in and where they like to hang out. Others say to soak cotton wool in it and place around the house. I could definitely get used to the house smelling like peppermint so when i can get my hands on some, i'm going to peppermint the shit out of the food cupboard and spray near every door and window.
However peppermint oil isn't something you can buy in a supermarket and i'm not really wanting to leave my house right now so it will have to wait until the weekend.
I have a mint plant on the bench which is perhaps why i've never seen any mouse poo on that bench (the one running across it was on the other bench), so i might break off a few sprigs and sprinkle around the cupboard in the meantime.
The second is Ammonia.
I remember my mum using cloudy ammonia around the garden to keep the cats away, i have no idea if it ever worked but i don't ever remember seeing a cat in any of our yards. Apparently it works by tricking the mice into thinking that a bigger predator animal is around and their natural instincts tell them to get the hell out of there and not to come back!
I don't have cloudy ammonia and like i said before, i cannot be bothered leaving the house right now, but i do have an ammoniated cleaner that definitely does have a strong smell because i use it for cleaning and it hurts my lungs. I work for an industrial cleaning chemical company and this is their "APC", more like KILL EVERYTHING SPRAY. So i will try putting a few bottle caps of it in the top of the cupboard and if the smell doesn't drive them away, they'll certainly die from drinking it.. I just don't know how we'll cope with the smell, uuuck.
So if you're still reading this you either don't get grossed out easily or i can make a mice invasion sound really intriguing, either way, i will update in a few days.. if there is no more mouse poo, i know i've done something right! I can guarantee i will find mouse poo within a few hours if it isn't working.
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
18.04.12
Life is like a blur at the moment.. I feel like i'm constantly rushing to do things and it hurts in my chest.
I think it's been this way for a long time but more so recently, since i've been given the responsibility of our biggest customer at my full time job. I can't seem to relax when i'm there because i always feel like i'm forgetting to do something, the stress can't be good for me. I do feel like i'm slowly catching up but i'm still behind, but thankfully, everyone seems to feel the same.
I enjoy my second job because it's work without stress! And i get to catch up with a few people i've become friends with and i get to boss little kids around, hehehe. People think i'm crazy for working so much but i like to keep busy and strangely the second job is actually a stress reliever.
As a consequence of the first job, life at home has also been hectic, well it hasn't, but it's felt like it has been.. Anxieeety is LAME, and it's made me really adgitated and short. Poor R has put up with lots of crazy me lately but thankfully we're working through it and i'm getting better. I guess this would point to the Valdoxan not working as well as it should BUT i don't think that's the case, it just works on different things.. My gum picking has almost stopped, in the past 20 years that has been a HUGE problem of mine, i've done it for as long as i can remember.. as i talk about this it makes me want to do it, UGH, but i think it's been about a month since i last did it, which is excellent! I used to do it every day or two, so, amazing.
And today i got a flat tyre a few minutes after starting the drive to work, normally i would have freaked out and screamed and not known what to do, but instead, i calmly called R, then called a taxi and went to work and i was only 3 minutes late.. i didn't even cry! I was so proud of myself :)
But my general anxiety is a bit shit, probably fuelled by the stress, but there is no effing way that i'm going on an SSRI or SNRI again, i might ask if i can get a low dosage benzo to take at night which will have a flow on effect during the day, just for when my chest hurts really bad.
The dex has been great, i don't "feel" them anymore, but they are definitely there working, helping me concentrate, toning down my crazy hyperactive self etc. I cut back some days just because i don't really need to be focussed 100% of the time, i think this will help with tolerance in the end.
In other news.. Life has been grand otherwise.
We have picked our wedding date, 14-03-14.
A long while away but still exciting!
I've even picked my shoes! :)
I think it's been this way for a long time but more so recently, since i've been given the responsibility of our biggest customer at my full time job. I can't seem to relax when i'm there because i always feel like i'm forgetting to do something, the stress can't be good for me. I do feel like i'm slowly catching up but i'm still behind, but thankfully, everyone seems to feel the same.
I enjoy my second job because it's work without stress! And i get to catch up with a few people i've become friends with and i get to boss little kids around, hehehe. People think i'm crazy for working so much but i like to keep busy and strangely the second job is actually a stress reliever.
As a consequence of the first job, life at home has also been hectic, well it hasn't, but it's felt like it has been.. Anxieeety is LAME, and it's made me really adgitated and short. Poor R has put up with lots of crazy me lately but thankfully we're working through it and i'm getting better. I guess this would point to the Valdoxan not working as well as it should BUT i don't think that's the case, it just works on different things.. My gum picking has almost stopped, in the past 20 years that has been a HUGE problem of mine, i've done it for as long as i can remember.. as i talk about this it makes me want to do it, UGH, but i think it's been about a month since i last did it, which is excellent! I used to do it every day or two, so, amazing.
And today i got a flat tyre a few minutes after starting the drive to work, normally i would have freaked out and screamed and not known what to do, but instead, i calmly called R, then called a taxi and went to work and i was only 3 minutes late.. i didn't even cry! I was so proud of myself :)
But my general anxiety is a bit shit, probably fuelled by the stress, but there is no effing way that i'm going on an SSRI or SNRI again, i might ask if i can get a low dosage benzo to take at night which will have a flow on effect during the day, just for when my chest hurts really bad.
The dex has been great, i don't "feel" them anymore, but they are definitely there working, helping me concentrate, toning down my crazy hyperactive self etc. I cut back some days just because i don't really need to be focussed 100% of the time, i think this will help with tolerance in the end.
In other news.. Life has been grand otherwise.
We have picked our wedding date, 14-03-14.
A long while away but still exciting!
I've even picked my shoes! :)
Tuesday, 17 April 2012
17.04.12
The break was annoying but i stuck with it and i'm glad i did.
I keep meaning to write a post on here but then i start and i forget everything i wanted to write.. UGH. How annoying.
I've been sick the past few days and i'm looking forward to going back to work.
I keep meaning to write a post on here but then i start and i forget everything i wanted to write.. UGH. How annoying.
I've been sick the past few days and i'm looking forward to going back to work.
Thursday, 29 March 2012
29.03.12
The Valdoxan has been a massive success!
I have been sleeping solidly and practically jumping out of bed in the morning.
I feel so clear headed with no side effects at all. A-MAZING.
The bruising is gone (aside from the usual), my skin has cleared up, i'm not sleeping through my alarms and the restless leg syndrome is gone.
Best of all, the Dex works 10x better now.. However i have been taking a break from it the past few days just while i completely switch over to the Valdoxan. I was meant to take a lower dose of the Lexapro for a minimum of 3 days to try and avoid an SSRI withdrawal, but i took it for one day and stopped after that, no negative effects that i noticed thankfully, i am so glad to be rid of it.
I have been taking a break from the Dex for the past few days and i'll continue on it until next week.. I picked a pretty bad week for a break considering how hectic work is at the moment, but i think the benefits will be worth it when i go back on it.
As for work, i want to cry right now. I have been given the shared responsibility of our biggest account after we shut down our WA office and we took over their work. HOWEVER they still expect me to do relatively the same workload as i did before, with this on top. I feel like i'm about 5 days behind where i should be.. They say i'm doing a good job and to palm things off if need be, but i simply don't even have 2 minutes to stop and think, i'm lucky to take 15 minutes for lunch because i need to rush back and utilise the rare time i have without the phones ringing. It's absolutely terrible and i can't wait to sleep in this weekend and go out for a relaxing breakfast with R on Saturday. Unfortunately i'm working Saturday and Sunday nights at my other job, but thankfully i really look forward to those shifts.
Now i'm starving and sleepy, waiting for R to get home with beer and food, mmm!
I have been sleeping solidly and practically jumping out of bed in the morning.
I feel so clear headed with no side effects at all. A-MAZING.
The bruising is gone (aside from the usual), my skin has cleared up, i'm not sleeping through my alarms and the restless leg syndrome is gone.
Best of all, the Dex works 10x better now.. However i have been taking a break from it the past few days just while i completely switch over to the Valdoxan. I was meant to take a lower dose of the Lexapro for a minimum of 3 days to try and avoid an SSRI withdrawal, but i took it for one day and stopped after that, no negative effects that i noticed thankfully, i am so glad to be rid of it.
I have been taking a break from the Dex for the past few days and i'll continue on it until next week.. I picked a pretty bad week for a break considering how hectic work is at the moment, but i think the benefits will be worth it when i go back on it.
As for work, i want to cry right now. I have been given the shared responsibility of our biggest account after we shut down our WA office and we took over their work. HOWEVER they still expect me to do relatively the same workload as i did before, with this on top. I feel like i'm about 5 days behind where i should be.. They say i'm doing a good job and to palm things off if need be, but i simply don't even have 2 minutes to stop and think, i'm lucky to take 15 minutes for lunch because i need to rush back and utilise the rare time i have without the phones ringing. It's absolutely terrible and i can't wait to sleep in this weekend and go out for a relaxing breakfast with R on Saturday. Unfortunately i'm working Saturday and Sunday nights at my other job, but thankfully i really look forward to those shifts.
Now i'm starving and sleepy, waiting for R to get home with beer and food, mmm!
Thursday, 22 March 2012
22.03.12
I woke up sick today and to top it off, my phone was vibrating constantly but wouldn't turn on. I had to email my manager to let her know and i feel terrible about it.. But i was sick and i needed sleep, so i fell asleep until i had to go to my doctor appointment.
Over the past few weeks i've been getting really bad bruises constantly and my face was breaking out in pimples that turned into disgusting weeping blisters. Very painful and ugly. So i made an appointment to see my doctor early and i'm glad i did. He took me off the Lexapro and put me on Valdoxen. It's quite new and not on the PBS yet so he's giving me samples until June, when it's supposed to be going on it. I take it at night and it doesn't have the horrible side effects that Lexapro does.. No weight gain, no restless leg syndrome, no mood swings, no skin problems, and most importantly, no loss in libedo AND no reduction in the effectiveness of the dex!
I have to take it at night and it will help me sleep so i can continue having my 7pm dose of Dex, which is something i wanted to keep but wasn't able to maintain because i was having problems sleeping.
I took my first dosage of the Valdoxen about an hour ago, already i'm feeling sleepy and calm. It's meant to take up to 4 hours to put you to sleep so i'll test it out over the next few days and see how i go. It works to resync your body clock by raising meletonin so you get a good proper sleep and somewhere along the way that helps reduce depression and anxiety, of which i have the later.
From the reviews i've read, the positive effects can usually be felt from day 1, i'm very much looking forward to seeing how tomorrow goes.
Having a few days off dex while i transition to the new medication, my choice, not the doctors.. I've always got it there if i need it, so i don't see any problem in it.
Over the past few weeks i've been getting really bad bruises constantly and my face was breaking out in pimples that turned into disgusting weeping blisters. Very painful and ugly. So i made an appointment to see my doctor early and i'm glad i did. He took me off the Lexapro and put me on Valdoxen. It's quite new and not on the PBS yet so he's giving me samples until June, when it's supposed to be going on it. I take it at night and it doesn't have the horrible side effects that Lexapro does.. No weight gain, no restless leg syndrome, no mood swings, no skin problems, and most importantly, no loss in libedo AND no reduction in the effectiveness of the dex!
I have to take it at night and it will help me sleep so i can continue having my 7pm dose of Dex, which is something i wanted to keep but wasn't able to maintain because i was having problems sleeping.
I took my first dosage of the Valdoxen about an hour ago, already i'm feeling sleepy and calm. It's meant to take up to 4 hours to put you to sleep so i'll test it out over the next few days and see how i go. It works to resync your body clock by raising meletonin so you get a good proper sleep and somewhere along the way that helps reduce depression and anxiety, of which i have the later.
From the reviews i've read, the positive effects can usually be felt from day 1, i'm very much looking forward to seeing how tomorrow goes.
Having a few days off dex while i transition to the new medication, my choice, not the doctors.. I've always got it there if i need it, so i don't see any problem in it.
Thursday, 15 March 2012
15-03-12
I am 25, work in an office under the title, Customer Service Officer.
I'm loud, talkative, bouncy, and a little bit crazy, but when it comes down to it, i have always done well at work, aside from being (slightly) late and forgetting things. I have tried my hardest at this job to be on time and had been early by an hour and a half for many weeks in a row.
I've recently been rewarded with the responsibility of looking after our biggest contract, along with another reliable girl. I have received a lot of praise from customers and account managers, i thrive on this and it's something i will always seek in whatever i do.
HOWEVER, about 6 weeks ago i started on Dex for my ADHD.
I started on 4 x 5mg daily.
7am, 11am, 3pm and 7pm.
My focus wasn't improved as much as i'd hoped, and my eating and sleeping was barely affected at all.
Then i went up to 4 x 10mg daily, at the same times as before.
For the first few days i was fine, aside from a little bit of appetite suppression, i slept almost the same, so i was happy with that.
The focus was a bit better, but again it could be better.
But then i started having issues sleeping, which resulted in having issues waking up.
4 days out of 6 i haven't even heard my alarms and i've woken up reaaally late and been 1-2 hours late.
I've discussed my new medication with my managers that there would be some teething problems with sleeping and eating and they said they understood. However today i was told off and made to feel like shit for it, despite yesterday cutting out my 7pm dose to try and help me fall asleep earlier. I set 9 alarms on my phone, 2 on my partners and our alarm clock, i even had 2 people give me wake up calls. I actually heard them this morning but i still woke up an hour late.
I have been making up the extra time, and more, that i've missed, but i still got into a heap of trouble. I was reduced to tears.. I don't know what to do.
Today i only took my 2 morning doses, i'm still worried that i won't wake up tomorrow, and the stress is really getting to me. I don't know if i should just stop the last 2 doses without talking with my doctor but at the same time i can't keep letting my workmates down.
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