It's been a long time and i have so much going through my head that i'll probably only scrape the surface, but here goes..
Life is a mess.. i look like i'm holding it all together and this is what i want others to see, but really, inside, i have no idea what is going on.. i feel like a tangle of wires, so knotted it's better to throw them all away.
On the surface, my life is heading in a positive direction, we have an excellent money flow and debts are being paid off, slowly but surely ..Yet i feel like i'm stuck in the one spot, a dark, cold spotlight centered on me, i'm screaming so loudly, i feel like i'll explode, yet everyone keeps walking past as if they can't see me, as if everything is okay.
I can't pin point any individual thing that is wrong, in reality i should be happy that we're on track and i'm doing well at work.. but i feel like a loser, a failure.. I have nothing to show for myself and my major weakness is constantly pointed out and highlighted by people i'm meant to consider my friends.. it hurts and it makes me feel uncomfortable and ashamed, when i shouldn't, it doesn't define me.. But then, i let it get to me, so again, i'm the weak one.
So really, nothing major is wrong, but time and time again i have bad thoughts and do bad things.
i often wonder if it's all in my head, am i crazy or do i just think that i am?
I really don't know.
sometimes i just want to leave this world.
